Drunkard, Foul-mouthed, Tsundere Fairy

I waited patiently for my government appointed wife with a bottle of booze in my hand and my phone in the other. Internet, cable and cell service were all out so I had to find something other than those to entertain myself. I sighed as I thought back at this morning. I wouldn’t have believed the woman on the TV this morning as she talked about there being a new world government if I hadn’t seen my neighbors being detained or even sexually violated by monster girls in the streets. The people who showed up earlier, an anubis and her guards consisting of an oni, a hellhound and a human man that seemed to be close to the hellhound. The anubis asked me questions about myself, my job and my relationship status. I answered truthfully and did anything they asked of me all while sweating uncomfortably. I finally relaxed a little bit once they left. 
I looked at the clock, five in the afternoon. I had been told that my wife should arrive some time today. As I finished my drink, I thought about how I would introduce myself to her. The prospect of a lovely monster wife was intriguing to me, what would she be like, I asked myself. I kind of liked the idea of a huge wife like an oni or even a hellhound. That anubis was very pretty as well. I found myself getting more and more excited as I dreamt about it, imagining what other kinds of women were out there. Perhaps if this didn’t work out I could go find another, I smiled, I was beginning to like this despite my near panic attack earlier. 
There was a knock on the door, I excitedly leapt to my feet and threw the door open. I stood face to face with an annoyed looking woman that had green scales on her arms and legs that ended in sharp claws, “You Anon?” She asked grumpily. 
“Yes!” I confirmed excitedly. 
“Here, she’s your problem now,” Before I could ask a single question, she thrust a small wooden box into my hands and stomped away. I closed the door and walked back into my apartment. I set the box on my counter and opened it up. It was full of tiny furniture including a bed, a dresser, a stove, a nightstand, a chest and various other tiny things. 
“Oi, cunt!” A voice shouted at me suddenly. I nearly had a heart attack as something flew in front of my face, “What makes ya think ya can jus’ touch my shit?” I stared at the small glowing shape for a few seconds before realising it was a tiny woman. She was eight, maybe nine inches tall and wore a little dark green cloak and glared at me with bright green eyes underneath a hood. Her green butterfly wings glowed softly as they flapped behind her. I just stared at her, confused, “Ya gonna fuckin’ say something, cunt? Or just stare like gazer with brain damage?” I laughed at the small woman swearing at me, I couldn’t hold it back, “OI, CUNT!” She shouted, startling me. I didn’t think such a tiny person could be so loud, “Fuckin’ introduce yarself or fuck off, cunt,” She glared at me. 
I took a quick deep breath, “Uh, hi there,” I gave her a weak smile, “I-I’m Anon.” 
“Uhuh,” She stopped glaring, thankfully, “Remember this, because I’m only saying this fuckin’ once. My name is Fíondaite, or Fíon if you need to shorten it for some damn reason.” 
“Oh, alright, Fíon. Nice to meet you.” 
“Sure. Ya got any fuckin’ booze? I had to stay sober for the teleporting or whatever the shit and my head is starting to fuckin’ hurt.” 
“Uh yeah,” I opened the fridge, grabbed a beer, popped it open and set it on the counter, “Do you need like... a straw?”  
“What? No!” She angrily rolled her eyes and went for the bottle. I watched her try to tilt the bottle to drink from it. She tilted it too much and dumped the drink on herself. 
“Are you okay!?” I grabbed the bottle as it thumped onto the counter. 
She had dumped maybe half the bottle onto herself and the counter. She pulled her cloak off to reveal her short orange hair, white beer soaked tank top and bloomers that she wore as shorts, “Are ya jus’ going to fuckin’ stand there or are ya going to get me a bowl of warm water so I can god damn clean myself, ya cunt?” She growled. 
“Oh, sorry,” I grabbed a good sized bowl and filled it with warm water quickly while Fíon impatiently tapped her foot. I set it on the counter before cleaning up the rest of the spilled beer. I set out a rag for her to use when done. 
“Get the fuck outta here so I can get these clothes off.” 
“Okay, I’ll... be in my room, I guess,” I walked away with a smirk on my face. The way she swore constantly was kind of endearing to me for some reason. Maybe it was because of how small she was or how cute she was despite swearing worse than a sailor. 
 
    “Oi, cunt,” Fíon flew into my room and spoke softly-- as softly as a drunken fey can, “I need some damn food and yar the only one here to fuckin’ feed me,” She was wearing a green dress now and somewhat slurring her speech. 
    “What do... What are you?” I asked realising I had no idea what I was dealing with. 
    “Are you retarded, dumbass? I’m a fuckin’ fairy.” 
    I had never expected a fairy to be so rude or foul mouthed, “Ah, what do you eat?” 
    “Berries, nuts, honey, alcohol. That kind of shit.” 
    “I think I have some strawberries, let me check.” 
    I returned to the kitchen and opened the fridge. I put two strawberries on a plate and poured some of the beer into a plastic shot glass for her, “Hey, look at that. Ya didn’t fuck it up,” She pulled off a bit of strawberry and ate it. 
    “Is that a compliment?” 
    “Shut it, cunt. Ya will know when I compliment ya,” I could have sworn she smiled at me before turning back to her food. I got to making my own dinner. I cut up a chicken breast and started cooking it in a pan. I felt something touch my shoulder, “What are ya cooking?” Fíon asked quietly as she stood on my shoulder, clutching my ear lobe for stability. 
    “Chicken. Can fairies eat meat?” 
    “Of course, An- cunt. I can eat whatever the fuck I want.” 
    “Do you want some?” I put some lime juice and red wine vinegar into the pan. 
    Fíon smelled the air, “I-I’m sure the food you make isn’t any damn good. But I’m still hungry so I’ll eat some of your cooking.” 
    I chuckled, “You can have as much of my shitty cooking as you want.” 
    “Good. I’ll eat your shitty food.” 
    I turned off the flames, seasoned the meat and put some on a plate for her while I put mine on some small tortillas. I watched Fíon excitedly eat it with a tiny fork and knife, her eyes sparkling as she chewed the chicken, “How is it?” I asked as I sat at the counter near her. 
    The smile on her face vanished, “It-its okay, I guess. I’m only eating it because I don’t want to waste any food... Cunt.” 
    I sighed, “There’s more in the pan if you want it.” 
    “Well, I guess I have to eat it if you’re not. Pour me another fuckin’ beer, eh?” She pointed to the empty shot glass. 
    I did as she asked, pouring more beer into her glass. After that I grabbed another beer before moving to the couch. Fíon joined me after a few moments, carrying the shot glass over as she flew. She set the glass on the table before sitting on my shoulder. I turned the TV on, forgetting that the cable was out. Surprisingly, the news came on, a woman was talking over footage of countries surrendering to the demon realm forces, “Oi, fuck head,” Fíon whispered into my ear before flying around to the front of me. 
“What is it?” I asked.  
“Could ya... do me a favor?” She asked begrudgingly. 
“Oh? What kind of favor?” 
    “I can’t move my furniture myself. Use some of ya big person strength and give me a hand,” I could hear her regret every somewhat kind word she said, “I would ask LITERALLY anyone else but I don’t want to force someone to get a carriage over here and I don’t want to pay for their ride and all that fuckin’ shit,” She quickly added. 
“Yeah, do you want it somewhere up high or in a cabinet or dresser or something?” 
She looked surprised at me, “Up high is fine, I guess even dumb idiots can come up with decent ideas sometimes,” She crossed her arms and looked to the floor. 
“I’ll clear a spot on my shelf for your little room,” I had to stop myself from patting her little head for fear of her trying to bite my finger off. 
“What do you want in return?” She started to undress nervously. 
“Woah, woah, I don’t need a favor like that right now.” 
She pouted at me before taking a seat on my shoulder again, “Fuckin’ whatever. Is anything else on this damn picture box?” 
 
“Where does the bed go?” I tried to place the bed in the left back corner. 
“Other side. Do ya know anything, fucker?” Fíon drunkenly swore at me sitting on the top of my head, roughly grabbing my hair. 
“I know how to be.... be bigger than you!” I drunkenly retorted. 
She gasped, “Fuck off!” She shouted as she yanked on my hair. 
“Agh!” I reached up and grabbed her, accidentally squeezing her a bit. 
“Y-ya cunt,” Her face glowed red and she shifted nervously in my grip, “Yar going to take-- take advantage of me now? Aren’t ya, cunt?” She breathed heavily and clutched my finger with her tiny hands trying to pull it to her chest. 
“I already told you,” I sobered up quickly, “I don’t need anything like that right now,” I gently set her down on the shelf as I looked towards the floor. 
She hugged her legs and pulled them towards her chest, “Do ya... Do ya think ya could pass me my dresser?” 
“Yeah, sure,” I grabbed the dresser and placed it near the bed. 
“No! Not right there, cunt. Do ya fuckin’ know nothing about feng shui?” Her drunken swearing returned as her feelings subsided. 
“Not really.” 
“God damn you are useless sometimes, fucker!” I had to hold back my laughter as I purposefully placed it wrong again, “GODDAMMIT!” Fíon screamed in anguish. 
 
    “Oi, Anon-- I mean mother fucker, wake up,” I groggily stretched and opened my eyes as I felt a small pounding on my forehead. Fíon was jumping up and down on my face to wake me up, “Get the fuck up.” 
    “Good morning to you too,” I grumbled. 
    “I accidentally made too many pancakes and spilled some embiggening powder on them so now I have too much food that is human sized. You’re the only one here to eat them while they’re still warm so get up and come eat, dummy,” Fíon quickly explained. 
    I gently picked her up in my hand and moved her off of my face as I sat up. I placed her in my other hand where she stood gracefully, staring at me expectantly, “Let me get a shirt on before I come out, okay?” 
    “Fine. I’m only waiting fer ya because there’s no one else to eat the extra food I made,” She flew off my hand and headed into the kitchen. I quickly put a shirt on and followed her. I sat at my small dining table in front of a stack of three pancakes. She had already set out a dish of butter and a bottle of syrup. Fíon sat at her own tiny dining table surrounded by four chairs on top of my table. She stared at me, “Eat dammit.” 
    I sighed, quickly preparing my pancakes before shoving a piece into my mouth, “Wow, that’s good,” I commented as I chewed the fluffy pancakes. 
    Fíon was beaming at me, when I looked at her she quickly hid her face, “I-I put some, y’know, cinnamon in it. Y-ya better finish it, idiot,” Dispite her sounding angry, I could see a smile on her face. 
    “What are we doing today?” 
    “We need more fuckin’ booze. Ya ran out last night, right? I suppose I’ll make ya my drinking partner an’ teach ya how to properly get fuckin’ smashed.” 
    “But the lady on the TV said to stay inside or I could--” 
    “Oh come the fuck on,” Fíon interrupted me, “If ya have ta be a big fuckin’ baby then I will protect you. Only because I need ya to buy me booze since there’s no one else for me ta ask. And yar my damn drinking partner now. Takin’ ya under my wing an’ all that. Not that I like ya or anything, dumbass, yar just the only fuckin’ cunt ‘round here to entertain me.” She over explained. 
    “Don’t strain something when trying to explain to yourself why you’re spending time with me,” I smirked. 
    “Fuck off, cunt! Yar drinking game is weak shit! Ya need me ta show ya how to do it!” She glared at me. 
    “Okay, okay, Fíon. I’ll get another bowl of hot water out for you to take a bath in?” 
    “Sure, I guess. Don’t expect me ta say ‘thank ya,” cunt,” She folded her arms and huffed. 
 
    I finished getting dressed as I put on a light coat. It was a little chilly out. I hoped that Fíon had warm clothes, or at least shoes and socks. I glanced towards her shelf, she was poking her head out of the little curtains, “You ready to go?” I asked. 
    “Of course I am, cunt,” She flew off of her shelf. She was wearing her dark green cloak again with the hood up.  
    “You sure you want to go without shoes? Its kinda cold out.” 
    “If yar so damn worried about me, then ya can carry me,” She darted towards me suddenly and climbed inside my jacket, “Ya will be keeping me warm, and I will protect ya,” She climbed inside my shirt pocket underneath my coat. 
    “Uh, sure. Can you see?” I left my coat unzipped. 
    “Damn near nothing. Just get goin’. I’m fuckin’ thirsty.” 
    Despite my hesitation, I left the apartment and walked into a strange new world. All I had to do was make it to the corner store and we’d be set. Having Fíon in my shirt pocket was strangely comforting despite her diminutive size. As soon as I was outside some soldiers took note and approached me. Fíon darted out of my pocket and in front of the soldiers. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about but Fíon returned to my quickly as the soldiers walked away, “They shouldn’t be bothering us, but they have to fuckin’ trail us just in case,” She groaned. 
    “Let’s just hurry, alright?” I held out my hand for her. 
    Without thinking she landed on my palm and sat down. She had a very content smile on her face. Suddenly, she realised what she was doing, “L-look, I’m only doing this because yer warm as Hell and I gotta keep a fuckin’ look out for you, got it?” 
    “Got it,” I laughed as I continued down the street. I watched other couples walk hand in hand down the road. Fíon must have seen it too as she gently held my thumb with her hand. I felt slightly embarrassed as another couple passed us and started whispering to each other about how cute Fíon and I were.  
    “Can ya fuckin’ hurry up?” She hissed at me, “I don’t like the looks ta single sluts are givin’ ya.” 
    “Oh? Are you concerned about me?” I asked as I picked up my walking speed. No traffic lights were on and the only traffic was centaurs who sometimes were pulling carts full of people or normal horses pulling wagons. I was able to safely walk across the streets. 
    “Of fuckin’ course not! I-I just don’t want ta lose me drinkin’ partner to some harpy skank who thinks she can take me just cuz I’m fucking small. GO THE FUCK AWAY YOU SLUTTY SHIT FOR BRAINS!” She started glaring up towards the rooftops as she shouted. I shook my head as I watched a flock of crow girls fly away. It was alien to me how friendly everyone was being. I couldn’t walk ten feet without receiving a ‘good morning’ from monsters and humans as they walked the streets or cleaned up their storefronts. I couldn’t recognize any of these brick and mortar businesses anymore. Nearly every name was based off of a type of monster girl or the name just had monster thrown in now. I stopped at a business called Satyr’s Brew and walked in. Just as I suspected, a small shop with wall to wall liquor just a five minute walk from my apartment complex.  
    The door jingled as we walked in, “Welcome!” The satyr behind the counter greeted us and adjusted her glasses, “Can I help the two of you with anything?” 
    Fíon looked up at me and pointed at the counter, I moved her to the counter and she jumped off my hand, “I need some damn strong stuff,” She explained. 
    “I got that feeling from you,” The satyr laughed, “Take a look at these drinks,” She started pulling bottles out and showing them to Fíon. 
The two of them started discussing various liquors and drinks. It went right over my head so I wandered off towards the back of the store. I passed rows of wines, whiskeys, beers and other brews I couldn’t recognize. I found a section of small heart shaped bottles with clear pink liquid within. The label on the front was in a different language, “You have a fine eye for potions,” A voice whispered.  
Startled, I whipped around to view the speaker, an elf with dark skin was giving me a soft smile, “Uh, thanks?” I shrugged. 
She gently took the bottle from me, “Is there anything you are looking for?” 
I shot a glance towards the front, Fíon was still engaged in a conversation. She owed me still and I was beginning to realize exactly what I wanted, “You sell potions?” 
She nodded, “I create the potions that my employer then sells.” 
    “Anything that can make a tiny girl about my size?” 
    The elf looked to the front, “I have something that should do what you want. Do you desire an antidote as well?”  
    “Sure, she’d probably kill me if I didn’t.” 
    The elf walked into the back room and returned with two bottles. One labled ‘BIG’ the other ‘small.’ She handed them both to me, “On the house. Your wife looks like she is making a massive order and I doubt I could sell those.” 
    I looked up front and groaned, Fíon and the satyr had set out a lot of drinks. I turned back to thank the elf but she had moved on, arranging bottles on another shelf. I returned to the front, the bottles stowed in my pocket. Fíon impatiently  tapped her foot, “‘Bout fuckin’ time,” She flew over to me, “I already fuckin’ paid so ya gotta haul this shit home,” She pointed to two cloth bags full to the brim with with bottles. I nodded and grabbed the bags, “At least yar fuckin’ obedient,” She gracefully flew onto my shoulder. 
    “Have a damn wonderful evening you two,” The satyr gave a wide smile at us, “Don’t come back too soon!”  
    “I’m sure ya’ll see us soon,” Fíon chuckled, “As long as this fuckwit doesn’t drink himself to death too soon.” 
“I will pray to Bacchus to give him strength.” 
 
As soon as we returned to the apartment, Fíon started pouring drinks-- She made me pour drinks, “Two parts that blue bottle and one part the green one. That’s how ya make a good fuckin’ drink!” I watched in awe as the tiny woman downed the shot, “Ya gonna fuckin’ stare or get yar own damn drink, cunt? Pour some’a that green shit in yar glass and top it off with that.” 
I did as she instructed, I downed the drink and gagged slightly, “What the hell was that?” 
“How ya get drunk as shit, An-- cunt.” 
“What-- What else can I make?” 
“Gimme some’a that coffee flavored shit!” 
“With the cream stuff too?” 
“Fuck yes, cunt.” 
 
I had lost track of time, but the two of us were hammered by eight in the evening. About an hour ago we had turned on the TV and were laughing our asses off at anything that came on, ‘Catgirl stuck in tree saved by brave firefighter. The two later got married,” a headline read. 
Fíon got angry, “How in the... how the FUCK does a cat get stuck in a fuckin’ tree? Like just climb down, ya cunt!” She shouted at the TV. 
“Maybe she’s doing it as a way to find a man?” I chuckled. 
“Jus’ go rape him ya skanky bitch! Ya don’t need to put on some fuckin’ act!’ 
I laughed, “Yeah just break into his home, I’m sure that will go well.” 
“It does! That’s how my fuckin’ parents met! She snuck into his tiny ass home and fucked the shit outta him!” 
“Huh, nice,” I started lying on my back staring at the ceiling, Fíon curled up on my chest, adorably, “Hey, uh... Thanks,” I didn’t bother to stop myself. 
“For what, cunt?” 
“Breaking up the monotony of my life and just being... Cool to hang with.” 
“Ya perfer me swearing at you to drinking alone in the fuckin’ dark?” She looked at me smugly for a moment before the smile dropped from her face, “Can I be real with ya too, cun-- Anon?” 
She had purposefully used my name, my interest was piqued, “Go on.” 
“Thanks for letting me just be me. Most guys get turned off because I’m so fuckin’ small and the swearing and... Rudeness drives people off too. But ya’ve just let me do what I want and be myself for once. I don’t have to pretend to be the prim and proper daughter of some king and queen. I get to be me, Fíondaite, swearing and all,” She poured her heart out and stared at me, expectantly, “But don’t think I fuckin’ like ya just because ya--” 
I scooped her up in my hand silencing her, “Stop putting on the tough girl act,” I groaned, “Its cute but you’re not letting you be you,” I brought her to my face, gently stroked her hair and offered her a kiss. 
She kissed me quickly, doing her best to press as much of her small lips against mine, “Even if you can be smart sometimes, Anon, yar a big dumb idiot, ya fuckin’ know that?” 
“Mhm. I wanna cash in that favor, Fíon.” 
“What do ya fuckin’ want?” She folded her arms as she sat down on my palm. 
“Help me throw away this potion,” I presented the two vials to her, “I was gonna ask you to drink it and cuddle with me or something, but you’re perfect just like this.” 
She blushed, “Yar such a fuckin’ nimrod. I can still cuddle like this, dumbass. How much did you pay for that shit?” She sounded a little peeved. 
“It was free.” 
“Then I don’t have to fuckin’ yell at you. Let’s go to bed soon, I’m fuckin’ tired. One more drink?” 
“Sure,” I nodded as she went to the kitchen. 
“Come and get it, cunt!” 
I wandered over and downed the drink she offered, “Tastes a little funny,” I scratched my head. 
“Don’t fuckin’ worry about it, I’m gonna cuddle the shit outta you tonight.” 
 
    I woke up, staring at the ceiling. It felt far away. I turned over to grab my phone, only to find it very far away. I looked at myself, I was much smaller than my bed now, “Fíon!” I called as my heart started to race. 
    “Is somethin’ wrong, cunt?” Fíon, now my size, had my head wresting in her lap. 
    “What did you do?” I demanded. 
    “Oh, nothin’ just made you a size I can more easily violate you~” She chuckled as she grabbed my arms. 
    “This is better than you becoming large?” I struggled.     “A whole fuckin’ lot better,” She moved to straddling me while  still holding me down. She pressed her lips against mine, tongue  kissing me for a few moments. She pulled away leaving a trail of saliva  behind, “I wasn’t sure you felt the same way I felt about you, Anon.  Until just last fuckin’ night that is,” She pulled off her clothes then  mine, “I hope ya didn’t have any plans today, cunt. We’re about to have a  LONG day.”

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