[A collaboration between IfTheArtistConsents (Minds Newgrounds) and I! He did the art for this little shitpost and helped me write it! Go check him out!
If you aren’t a fan of AVGN you might not get much out of this. You can check out an example of the game here]
“What a bunch of shitty games!” The Angry Video Grem Nerd shouted as she looked at the shelves around her little basement. She grabbed a ladder and set it up to look at the wall of games. She glared at her massive Super Nintendo collection. She had tons of games, an almost innumerable amount along the shelves from a multitude of consoles. Everything from the Atari 2600 to the PlayStation Two and even a few modern games in their own little cursed corner of the room. She looked at Super Nintendo games today, “This one’s shit,” She growled as she threw Terminator Two to the floor, “Another piece of shit,” Mario is Missing fell to the floor with the satisfying clunk of plastic on tile, “What a fucking piece of fuck,” She threw Dennis the Menace to the floor, “What’s this?” She grunted as she grabbed a game, “Megaman X? Haven’t touched this in a while,” She carefully climbed down her step ladder, making sure to step on Mario is Missing as she made her way to the couch, “Capcom made some good games back in the day, Streetfighter, Final Fight, and even Goof Troop just to name a few,” She pulled the Super Nintendo from where it was hidden and slotted Megaman X in, “Oh, I almost forgot. I need a fucking beer,” She told herself. The Angry Video Grem Nerd was a small creature named Jamie. A gremlin with short blue hair, long ears, a pair of glasses, brown slacks and a white button up shirt with a chest pocket which she filled out wholly with her bosom and wide hips. “God, I’m fucking thirsty,” She swore to herself as she opened the fridge looking for her iconic Rolling Rock. A fresh, unmolested six pack of the alcoholic drinks sat on the bottom shelf of the fridge surrounded by other products that didn’t matter at the time. She went for one but as soon as her skin touched the cool glass, it vanished from her hand and was replaced with something warm and plastic. She looked down, a confused expression on her face, “A note?” She asked herself as she glanced at the sticky note covering the label of the game cartridge, “If you want your precious liquor, you must collect all six of the ancient rune stones! Signed, the Warlock. Who the fuck is the Warlock!?” She looked back at the six pack. It was gone, the only thing that remained was the game in her hands, “That FUCKING asshole!” She cried, ripping the sticky note off and shredding it angrily in her hands, “What is this shit?” She glanced at the cover, Warlock, it read. “Beware the ultimate evil of...” She started to read the title on the cartridge, “LJN!?” She cried as she saw the name of the publisher, “Aw, fuck!” The grem hurried downstairs, back to her Super Nintendo, “Guess I gotta play this shit. Fucking warlocks and their shitty fucking magic,” She hissed as she tore Megaman X out. She glanced at the cover once more, “Beware the ultimate evil of Warlock,” She read, “A bit of a mouthful, but whatever, Laughin’, Jokin’, Numbnuts,” She put the game in and turned on the console. “Wait... Warlock?” She tilted her head at the TV as the word Warlock flashed on the screen with the sound of thunder, “So what the fuck is it called? Ultimate evil of bullshit or just fucking Warlock!? Leave it to LJN to get the fucking title wrong. Whatever, what's the story of this shitty game?” The Grem set the controller down and listened to the music, “Well, this title screen music is nice enough, I guess,” Eventually, the story cutscene started. Slowly-- Arduously, red and orange text was burned onto pages, “What the fuck is this!? Why’s the text gotta appear so SLOW!?” The grem shouted, “Alright, fuck, what is this shit? ‘Once every millenium,’” She started to read, pausing as the words slowly appeared on the screen, “‘When the sun aligns,’” She paused again, “‘With the moon, druid guardians summon-- DRUIDS!?” She cried in mock agony, “First fucking dick ass warlocks and now I gotta deal with druids? God I hate those tree humping furries.” She went for a bottle of beer, quickly remembering that she had to play the game to get any liquor, “Damn it all! Fuck, lets just see the rest of this stupid story. ‘Druid guardians summon the magic of their sacred runestones.’ Right, those things I’ve gotta get if I want my booze back. ‘To prevent the rebirth of the ancient Warlock...’” She sighed and paused as she waited for more text to appear, “Oh thank god,” She sighed as the text never came, “Okay... Oh there's the sun and the moon aligning, and a graveyard, and-- OH SHIT!” She screamed as the Warlock flew from the ground, “What the fuck!? Was that Doc Brown!? And he turned into a fucking raven or crow or perhaps some other kind of copro-corvidae!? Or in other words, a shitbird,” The Grem shook her head, “Anyways, can I play the game now-- Oh, fuck!” She groaned as more text began to slowly crawl across the screen. “You think I’m joking!” The Grem pointed an accusatory finger, “But I timed it, and this shit goes on for two minutes and twenty seconds. Anyways I better finish this shitty story so I can play this shitty fucking game and get my shitty fucking beer back,” She sighed, “‘The six sacred stones are scattered through time and across the continents. Using the powers inherited from your druid ancestors--’ Aw fuck, I’m a druid myself! Fuck druids! You know, a druid fucked my dog once. Okay, they didn’t, I’ve never had a dog. But a druid WOULD do that given the chance. Can’t trust those fuckers. Anyways let’s just finish this. ‘You must find all six before the Warlock...’” She sighed again, “HOLY FUCK ITS STILL GOING!” She shouted, “What's this shit!? A bridge? The woods? A tree and-- Oh god, there they are! The druids! I see they’re wearing their ceremonial brown bathrobes to their little get together. They’re brown so you know they roll around in animal feces, which is what I’d rather be doing than playing this shitty game. Okay, and they give this guy with the mullet, which I assume is me since I’m in blue bathrobes and not brown ones since I haven’t rolled in fecal matter yet, they give him an... Orange? A flying magic orange? Or maybe a giant flying ballsack. And he points and the ballsack leads me somewhere.” “So, can I play now?” The Grem just blinked, dead inside as more text appeared on the screen, “I guess I can’t yet. ‘This is the most desperate hour. Find the stones and kill the Warlock, or we shall forever live in darkness...” She hardly registered when the title screen came back rather than giving her more story, “Oh thank god. Finally something good from this game. Zelda fucking Two did an intro better than this load of donkey diarrhea. Wanna know what's just as long? ‘Warlock: The Armageddon’s’ intro! Yeah, this is a MOVIE GAME! Bet you weren’t expecting that, huh!? Well, maybe you were since pretty much all of LJN’s games are licensed games! And here the title is different AGAIN, so what the fuck, now we have three! Warlock, Beware the Warlock and Warlock: The Armageddon! How did they fuck that up so bad? And guess what? The movie’s just as bad, if not even WORSE than this game! Why does LJN keep making shitty games out of shitty movies, I’ll never know. I guess the map of the States written on skin was kinda cool, I guess, but does that ever happen in the game? No, of course not… This has next to nothing to do with the movie other than the villain’s face appearing on the game over screen. There's not much worth talking about, so let's get back to the game.” “At least you can just skip the intro. Unlike the movie, so the game already beats it there. Alright fine, enough about that awful movie. Okay so I’m in the game. Here's my guy, mister mullet un-shitted bathrobes. I can jump, piss magic missles out of my fucking fingers and make the ballsack waggle around when I shake said pissfingers at it. At least I can make him hump the air when I mash Y,” The gremlin said, demonstrating by quickly tapping the Y button. “And it looks like... The dog isn’t an enemy for once. How kind of you game; to throw me a bone before you rail my ass like Fuckman! But you know, you can shoot the dog if you’re an asshole. And it keeps my druid from giving the dog his bone if you know what I mean,” The Grem continues playing. She jumped as she neared a bridge, still getting a feel for the controls, “There he is! Doc Brown-- I mean the Warlock! That fucker just blew up the bridge, right under me!” She shouted as her character plummeted into the water and died, “Great. Water kills you. And the Warlock-- I mean Doc Brown turned into a crow again! Okay so, dogs are friendly but Doc will kill you with a bridge. Good to know. At least in the game I’m not waiting an hour and twenty minutes to actually fight the fucking Warlock unlike that pussy in the movie! Alright, for real that's the last comment about the movie. Bats! Its always fucking bats! Ever since Castle-fucking-Vania One! Every side scroller HAS to have goddamn shitty fucking bats! Another bridge and-- Oh you cocksucking video game! Doc Warlock blasts another bridge out from under me and I’m dead. The same fucking trick! I won’t fall for that shit again you cum slurping alp.” “So I go back, dodge the bridge, the bats and the second fucking bridge. I’m not falling for that shit again you fuck stick fellatiator. Okay, what's next. A dog. Oh, and the fucking Warlock Brown turns him into a goddamn werewolf! And its fucking raping me, holy shit! It won’t stop railing my ass! GET OFFA ME! Cum at it with my magic spells! Well, it beat the shit outta me and my portrait at the top is turning into a spooky skeleton man, but I scared it off. Oh shit! Another one!” The Grem pushed down and right at the same time and watched in shock as her character tactical rolled right into the werewolf, “I just rolled into his cock! Why in the seven fuck hells can my fucking shitty mullet having, animal cum sucking, druid DODGE ROLL!?” With a sigh, the Grem accidentally pressed X, “Looks like my guy is summoning some lightning and doing the Y in YMCA. Oh, I consumed that second picture of my face I had and healed. Nice. And the werewolf was kind enough to drop me a magic potion. I continue, blast another werewolf and go inside. There's some text about the quest for the first Rolling Rock and now we’re inside. So there's a guy in here, so of course I shoot him to make sure he’s not evil and-- Jesus Christ I turned him into a zombie! Fucking kill that shit! At least he went down easy enough,” The Grem walked a single step forward and the zombie got back up, “Oh shit!” She exclaimed as she took a hit and finished off the zombie, “They get back up after I kill them once. Great. Imagine if you were playing Mario Three, and you jump on a goomba. As soon as you walk a few steps forwards, that fucker gets back up and knocks your dick off. Wouldn’t that be fun!?” She pauses as she settles back into the couch, “Fuck zombies. I hate ‘em. I keep going forward and see Cocksucker Brown floating and he shits out a zombie for me to fight.” “I’m gonna give the ballsack a try. To use the nutsack you gotta press the Y button, but not just PRESS it you gotta HOLD it. Once you do that, you wait two seconds for your druid to do some jazz hands, then the thing is ready to go. You press a direction on the d-pad and the ball flies that way, doing some damage or picking up items for you. The problem is, it takes forever to use and the ball is waving all over the place like one of those fucking Medusa heads! And you know how I feel about those fucking Medusa heads,” She scowled, “The worst part about the flying fucknugget, is that it takes forever to use and does just as much damage as my hand pissing! I’m better off hitting enemies with an actual ballsack than to use this piece of shit. Fucking druid magic objects. Okay so I keep going, taking hits and getting fucked by wolves-- Only figuratively of course, this is a kids’ game just about as much as this is a kids’ show,” She said, staring directly into the camera. “So I keep going. I’ve taken a bunch of hits so I use my blue magic druid potion. Turns out that heals me too. So what's the point of the OTHER item that heals me!? Fuck me. Speaking of fucking my ass, these stairs. Tap dancing Christ on Christmas, I can’t get up these stairs my first try! I’d rather slide my massive fucking gremlin ass up and down Fuckman’s massive fucking cock than keep trying to go up and down these stairs! Speaking of sliding my ass up and down, what the fuck is the point of crouching!? It’s not to shoot lower, because mullet fuckhead drops that low when he shoots normally! Let’s just get this first fucking level over with. This library fucking sucks. Oh fuck! There’s the Warcock! We start fighting see, and this fucker, get this, to dodge he just HOISTS himself up like a fucking marionette on strings and just goes right over my cum blasts! And he shoots even bigger ones that destroy mine! Whatever, I’ve got three health potions so I just tank it and shoot him when I can. I win, and this fucker just turns into a shitbird again and flies off!” “Hey! But I won!” The Grem put her fists in the air triumphantly, “There’s the first runestone! Blast open its dumb glass case and grab it! I do the Y again and pick up the purple Froot Loop. ‘This rune will allow your return... G R K K L.’ Oh thank fuck the password is only five characters. This game does SOMETHING right! Now I got another book telling me I’m goin’ to the past and to beware the Warlock. Whatever. Second quest for the runestone begins.” Suddenly a bottle of Rolling Rock appeared beside the gremlin in a puff of smoke. She eyes it longingly before shaking her head. “No… I’ll save it for when I really need it.” “Level starts, I’m in some grassy fucking area that looks like dog shit. There's some vines popping out of the ground so I avoid that and shoot some bugs. I keep going and some more vines shoot up and grab me! They pull me underground for a bit, presumably to fuck my ass before shitting me out. Before long, I get to a cliff. Where do I go? The camera can’t look down no matter what I press! Leap of fucking faith I guess!” She safely landed on the ground and groaned, “What the fuck were they fucking thinking with this? This is bullshit. I keep going right, shooting bugs and vines and making leaps of faith because this camera can lick my cunt. I get to a bug that I shoot, and this little fucker drops a gem. When I step on it, it makes me fly like I’m goddamn Mary Poppins! So I figure out I gotta make another leap of faith with it and keep going right. I kill a bug for another gem and get some pickups. Another picture of me and a skull. Okay. But where do I go? There's nowhere to go now! So I leap of faith again and-- I’m dead. Drown in the water. I go back to figure it out again, jumping down a different pit this time and I die again to the water! And I’m out of lives! I see a quick close up of the shitty fucking Warcock and then back to the title screen!” The Grem sighed and grabbed her first Rolling Rock that she recovered and twisted the top off, downing a big swig before letting out another sigh. “This is just gonna be one of those games, huh? I put the password in and go back to the second level,” She blinked as the inbetween level cutscenes played again, “God, fuck,” She groaned as she mashed every button on the SNES controller to skip it, “Oh thank fuck I can skip this stupid shit. So the level starts, I dodge all the bullshit, and instead of going right, get this, you drop off a cliff then go LEFT into a cave that you can’t even see! How the fuck was anyone supposed to figure this out!? The only way you’d know it was a cave is if you see the spider crawl out from behind the foreground! Anyways, I keep going though this stupid bat infested cave that looks like the inside of my asshole and I get to a part where rocks are hanging down and I can’t walk past them! It takes me a few minutes of blasting them with my cock hands, but I finally figure it out. You have to dodge roll under them!” She sighed, “What the fuck is the point? The dodge is just in this game for this shit? It certainly doesn't help you dodge jack or shit!” “Fuck it, lets get this shitty cave over with. I keep going and cum drips from the ceiling, damaging me. Great. Just great. Everything but the fucking dogs hurts you in this shitty game. I blast some cum monsters then I try to jump up to this ledge and another cum monster hits me making me fall all the way to the ground which fucking kills me. Fall damage kills you. Its like I’m playing fucking Bubsy here, only here you can take more hits, which you’re definitely going to need to get through this fucking cave. I keep going, getting hit by fucking everything, bats, spiders, cum monsters, big black uncut fuckin’ dick heads on the ceilings, oh and cumdrips, because this cum kills you. These spiders are way to fucking small to hit consistantly especially on slopes and the bats are always just a pain in my cunt. So of course, I die. Then I go back, and I die again, getting lost in these fucking caves.” She stopped to down the rest of her beer, happy to have drank it, but sad to see it go. “I gotta put that code in again, go back into the cave, trying not to get my ass molested by these vines. Then I get back in, get hit by some cum dripping from the ceiling and the cum men punching the shit out of me, I pretty much have to take hits with these assholes. Pretty much the entirety of my existence.” She said, once again staring directly into the camera. “Anyways. I use a potion in here after taking a bunch of hits, turns out that shit doesn’t heal you all the way, only the pictures of mullet man does. So the potions are trash, but you’re gonna need them just to get through this level. I also learned you can scroll through the items you have with L and R, which is nice at least. At this point, I’m so fucking fed up with these bats and spiders that I just start taking hits. I’ve got a billion health so I might as well and whenever it gets too busy I just kill everything with the skull item or use a face when I take too many hits. I find the magic stone, it looks like a gargoyle’s kidney stone. I take it and I run to the end. I get another password, S H P J L and I move onto level three,” The Grem put down her controller, a second fresh Rolling Rock appearing in her hand as she beat the second level, “Thank fuck there are only six levels.” “Level three. Looks like I’m running through a rainy garden towards a castle that holds two more of these dumb fucking stones. I go through, get a potion and Dicksucker Brown shows up and brings a gargoyle statue to life. As with everything in this game, there is no strategy, just shoot it until it dies. Sometimes it freezes but you just walk towards it then away to wake that fucker up,” The Grem grunted, “Y’know, I knew a gargoyle once and she was a nice person.” “So I keep going and the fucker brings an archer to life now, and hes a good fucking shot! Same as before, no strategy here, just shoot him until he turns to dust like your grandmother’s dried up womb. I fight more gargoyles and archers while Dick Brown locks me in the area. Then, I fight the Red Devil from Ghost n’ Goblins and of course, he kicks my fucking ass, rails me with his demon cock. I make it through with one hit left, wheres this fucking castle? Oh, I get to fight another Red Devil! And he kills me! Out of lives! Go back to the beginning!” The Grem groaned loudly and opened the second bottle of Rolling Rock, “Fuck this piece of shit game.” “My second time through, I’ve got some strategies figured out. Blast the first one, duck at the archers sweet spot, all that shit. The worst part about the archers is that their arrow destroys our druidic cum spurts, but not their arrows, no, they go through and hit me! Anyways I beat all them and both Red Devils and I got to a bridge with a gap in it and thank fuck I made the jump. I don’t want to redo this shitty level. Now I’m in the castle. I fight some ghost assholes and some knights that fall apart when I shoot them. I go into the sewers, dodge some traps, then I get locked in a tiny room over water. So what do I do? I guess wrong and I jumped in the fucking water and died,” The Grem drank from her alcoholic beverage and sighed, “This game is an assload of fuck. I get back to that room and I just start blasting with everything to try and progress. Turns out all I had to do was knock a chunk of ceiling down to jump on. Of fucking course, I should have known.” “The platforms I make sink when I jump on them, so I gotta hurry my ass up and knock down more platforms, but I can't see the platforms since they’re in the shitty sewer water! Thank god I made it through on my first try. I go over more water then find another Mary Poppins gem and a lever which when I hit makes a little platform for me. I Mary Poopin’ my way up there and move onto the next level.” “Next level I see--” The Grem sighed, “Another dumb fucking Warlock. This one looks more like Billy Mays in a purple dress. What’s his story? Does he also come back every millenia to sell me oxyclean? Maybe he’s the wizard of Big City Sliders, more like big shitty ciders. He throws torches at me and flies away after making me pay his toll. What is his toll? Some of my fucking life, that’s what. This game isn’t hard! It just whittles you down constantly and pulls cheap traps that take lives making you replay it!” She half sobbed before taking another swig of her booze,“The worst part is, I’m not having fun! The attacks you get are slow and clunky, the movement is shitty and the levels are basic! All in all, a very subpar game, in my opinion at least.” “I keep going, taking hits as I hit a switch, fail to dodge a dumbass spinning blade trap and I go to another level. And I’m STILL looking for the third runestone! I’ve got no potions or lives left now! The thing is, those self portraits that you can use, the ones that fully heal you? Those are your LIVES too! So do you spend your lives to get full HP? Or do you save them in case you die to a bullshit trap!? Fuck me… This is harder than Fuckman’s cock when he plows my gremlin pussy. Of course, I fall down a pit and die because I misjudged a jump. Now its back to the fucking garden where I gotta kill all those fuckers again,” She downed the last of her second Rolling Rock, “Fuck this shitty fucking game.” “After I make it back and make those jumps, I’m in the castle doing stupid fucking lever puzzles and dodging the easiest traps in the world. This game is a whole lotta fucking nothing. And at the end, I run into Doc Cock and the fucker turns himself into a demon! I kick his ass, duck low when he shoots high and jump high when he shoots low. The game gives me another password now, C D J H L and I guess it's onto the next level. Ho-lee Fuck, I’m still in this castle. Billy Mays is back from the dead and he makes me pay his toll again, this time he’s selling me swords that he just fucking shoots right at me out of his cock. Every fucking thing in his Peewee’s playhouse looking castle is out to get me too, taking bits of my life as I struggle to dodge them. I make it to another demon, this one looks like a fucking horse, or maybe even an ass. Of course he fucking kills me, taking my last life. Thank god I had that new code.” “I make it back and fight the demon again. I beat him and--” She watched as the horse turned into a man, Billy Mays, “Why the fuck was Billy Mays wearing a blue fucking horse fursuit!? Fucking hell. I keep going and I hit a switch which makes a platform come down, I get on it and nothing happens and to hit the switch again I have to get off it, so I do and then the platform LEAVES without me! Thankfully it comes back to get me, now automated. But why did I have to hit that lever TWICE? Imagine if you had to do that in real life, like if you were in an elevator, but you have to get out and hit the switch across the hall, only for the door to close on you before you could get back in, so you gotta hit the button again and - fuck it, you get what I’m saying. I keep going and get my shit kicked in by a knight with a flail, everyone knows that if you have a flail instead of a sword you get five times the normal health points!” She complained, popping open her third Rolling Rock and downing half of it. “There, I beat him and... now I’m stuck. No way forward since the magic druid ballsack doesn't flip levers. I finally figure out you’ve gotta jump through a wall into a new area. I pick up a bubbling cauldron which makes my cum blasts bigger now! They explode too! Badass! Haha, actually no they still fucking suck. No extra damage. In this secret area, I hit another switch and that lowers the barrier that was blocking me earlier, now I can keep going. I go up a lift and to the next level. There's not a lot to say. I dodge traps, usually dying to them because this game is an ass load of fuck. Its just boring corridors, knights and these dumb lifts. I’m taking hit after hit because I just don’t care anymore. Why’s this game gotta be so fucking long!? And I go to ANOTHER level after the castle! I’m outside now! I’m fighting more four armed demons and horse fursuits now! Some of them are the Warfuck and others are just dudes!? What the fuck is going on!? And this first jackass I gotta stand on top of or he knocks me back into the pit! So I’m eating hits because I fucking HAVE to! I don’t have any time to dodge! Then, the second one is Billy Mays! And I’m BACK inside the castle! This fucking asshole!” “I’m in a lab now, fighting reskins of the cum monsters from earlier now they’re snot monsters. Or green shits. I dunno, I don’t even care anymore. You know what would be really nice? Being able to shoot while standing instead of going into that stupid crouching shot. Every other game I complain about not being able to shoot enemies on the ground but in this one I can’t even shoot enemies on a table right in front of my fucking face! The only other game that does something remotely like this is Terminator One on NES, and you all know how much ass that game sucks. But hey, I shoot an owl and he drops a potion, so that’s cool. Fuck owls. I keep going, ignoring items out of my reach and just taking hits constantly. I'm low on health, potions and lives but I’m making it somehow. I feel like there's secrets all over the damn place but I can’t find a single one! Now furnaces are trying to kill me. Impossible to dodge so I of course take more hits. So I just happen to walk into a secret and boom! There's a runestone! I take that shit,” The Grem nearly cries as she received a Rolling Rock, “Thank the heavens. Gotta keep going for the other three.” “I keep finding items and they all either do damage or make triangles fly around me. But why? Just give me more potions and lives! It’s not like these items do enough damage to actually help, and most of them don’t even damage the bosses! Well, I beat Billy again and moved on, B R S H T. Now let’s take a second to talk about the text in this game, specifically the T’s. These T’s look like fucking C’s. I get they were trying to go for an ancient text look but fuck it! How is it that no one has ever made a straightforward password system?!” “Quest four. First level is me fighting some fuck ass specter that takes my health and is annoying. Then it's just more castle! There’s more castle in this fucking game than in Castlevania! Now these booger assholes throw shit at me! And they take more hits to kill! They take a fuck ton of my life too! I hate these guys. THEY’RE FUCKING EVERYWHERE! You jump here and one snipes you with his shitballs, you jump there and one comes out of the ground and gets you. They even hid one right next to the fucking lever to go up this elevator! He doesn’t appear until you jump to the lever, so I’m forced to take a hit.” “And now I pick up a fucking sundial? What the shit does this do? I go a little ways and I use the sundial, thinking that it would time stop! NO! It Teleports me BACK to where I picked it up! It’s not like the other items are back so why the fuck would you do that!? I’ll tell you why, because you’re a sucker, a real shit sucker! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!?” She cried before drowning her sorrows with the rest of the third beer, “I would quit, but I have to keep playing, I HAVE to. I NEED more beer. I get to a part with a gem, and I’m like, alright, I get the fourth one. But get this, it ATTACKS me! Kicks my ass! Turns out it was just one of the warlock’s blue balls! Both of them are in the same room! Oh god, now his balls are touching MY ball! Thank god the next level comes soon. H B L S T.” “Oh my God damn holy mother of fucking shit fuck there are even more blue balls mixed in with white balls, and there’s a magic wall keeping me locked in here with them. That sums up this entire fucking game, it’s balls and I’m trapped here if I want to get my beer back. Then, after the first room, I get trapped in ANOTHER room with MORE of these balls! But the game has some mercy, once I beat these I get two extra lives!” “Guess what happens in the next level? Billy cocksucking Mays lights his asshole castle on fire! Now I gotta run up the stairs before I get fucking torched! They also put more of those cumslinging shitballs on the stairs just to stop me. Just gotta run past everything, if you touch that fire even once it fucking annihilates you. This is the first time the orb actually comes in handy, because the cumblasts are just not fast enough and the orb can actually hit these guys multiple times in a row. It takes me a million fucking tries but eventually I power through it, only to find Billy Mays and Doc Brown killing each other at the top of the castle in their fursuits. Billy gets killed and- wait, NOW I’M IN A FURSUIT?! SEE? SEE WHAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT DRUIDS?! I need a beer, except now I have to fight the Warlock for it!” The gremlin mashed the buttons on her controller, her horse-headed character firing lightning blasts at the four armed warlock demon. “That’s all you do, you just mash buttons until one of you is dead. So I beat him, after he takes like nine-million fucking hits and get the big red anal bead.” She holds her hand out and a Rolling Rock covered in shit appears in her grasp. “OH GOD, YOU FUCKING NASTY ASS SHITLOCK!” She shrieked, getting up and taking the bottle to a sink to wash it off. “What? I’m not wasting a perfectly good beer. Now where was I?” She plopped back down and opened the beer, taking an extra moment to pour it out into another non contaminated bottle while throwing the other one away, “I go through the portal and I get another code, T H K T H. Only two more to go. Go now into the realm of the damned? Oh fuck, I’m going to hell!” The level started and the Grem readied herself, “There's Doc Brown! Oh fuck! Skeletons! Good thing they fall apart just as easy as they do in Castlevania. Only these fuckers can block cum blasts and they’re too short to get hit by the orb! Anyways, I’m onto this games bullshit now and I dodge some bridge destruction caused by Doc Shit-Brown and keep going. I fight crows, rape vines, skeletons and vultures. All of them are easy, again, this is just tedious as all hell, really, which I guess is fitting since this IS the realm of the damned. So I get to the Warlock and I notice he doesn’t run right away if I don’t get too close. Like, what the hell is he doing, driving a car? Turns out he’s just summoning two skeletons. I make it underground, into the mausoleum. Its like I’m back in the fucking castle. The cum monsters are back too! And look, this fucker is invincible! How the fuck do I kill him? Get this, you knock down a chunk of the ceiling down on him and crush him to death. That’ll show ya, you fuckfaced cum sucker.” “Level ends after a fight with three skeletons in a dumb arena. Next level is outside and I’m fighting that toilet hand from Majora’s Mask. Zombies too but fuck those assholes, they die easy. I make it through that pretty easy. Whole level is just a boring graveyard. Man, if that Warlock asshole didn’t have my beer, I would have quit this game ages ago. I’d rather Fuckman break through my wall, tear off my clothes, and fuck me ass to mouth. I’d rather suck the dried semen out of a bogey’s cotton cooter than keep playing this fuckheap of a game! I’d rather tear my hymen on a manticore’s whole tail bulb while a bicorn shoves my head up her asshole!” “Anyway, next level. Another underground mausoleum, god, this game just keeps fucking going man, it’s like that two and a half minute intro was just the icing on the shit cake. I get some staff, apparently I can get them infinitely, so that's fucking cool, I guess. I ride a stone raft on a tide of green goo and shoot an irradiated giant skeleton to death with my cum blasts. Another code, D C T F F, and I’m back outside. I’m honestly running out of things to say, I keep running around this graveyard, into mausoleums and back outside into the fucking graveyards. Can’t this level end? HOLY SHIT IS THAT A SKELETON HORSE?! Okay, that’s kind of cool, - OH SHIT! He came back with a skeleton horseman! The guy just keeps clobbering me but I just keep blasting him because neither one of us will fucking die. Finally kill his ass. Then I get to fight another! The lag after I shoot plus the general delay in attacking and ducking makes it impossible to NOT take hits!” “Time for another mausoleum level. This bitch is full of traps but nothing really to talk about, really. I make it to the end and get my fifth beer and a runestone,” The Grem got the aforementioned beer and set it down, “I haven’t even touched the fourth one… Should I really keep going? I’m already so numb. No… I have to. B S T J K! New code! Last stone, I’m gonna kill this fucking Warlock! I don’t give a shit about this story! To the mountains! Quest for the final fucking stone!” I’m on a bunch of cliffs surrounded by bandits and - IS THAT A FUCKING METROID?! What the shit - whatever I don’t give a fuck anymore, I’m just running through everyone, getting chased by a gargoyle and… I’m dead again. Fuck it, I’m gonna cheat, lemme just look up some codes here... “ The Gremlin says, going over to her Commodore 64 before typing loudly. “I’m just gonna skip to the last level, which looks the same as the rest and there’s already shit flying at me from every direction. Metroids, cum monsters, gargoyles, bandits, UV rays from the fucking sun, everything is out to get me. All that’s missing is Fuckman and his fuckstick.” She sighed longingly before going back to her game. “So there’s the warlock again, jumping around like an asshole and I kick his ass the same as before. Thank fuck, there’s the final stone. Now I’m… going down to hell? Oh there he is again - and he turns into the fucking yellow devil, not the yellow devil from Megaman but a devil who happens to be yellow. I finally fucking beat that fucker after he spits fire and jumps all around like an asshole. I get beamed up as I do the YMCA pose one last time. Lets see that ending! I get some text that says ‘you fulfilled your destiny and bested evil!’ And then my guy flies out of a well. And that’s it. Roll credits. What a shit load of fuck,” The grem said as she picked up all three remaining beers and dumped them all into her mouth at once. Beer flew everywhere as she lapped at the precious nectar. “You’ve done it!” She heard, as three druids appeared in front of her, their arms raised in the ‘M,’ ‘C,’ and ‘A’ poses. The gremlin wiped her mouth before eying her empty beer bottles, “So, you assholes put me on this quest?” “Yes, of course! You were the best suited to defeat that evil Warlock!” One answered. “We had to do it to save the world!” Another added. “But now that you’ve done it, the world is saved!” “You pieces of shit! Fuckin’ with my Rolling Rock!?” She screeched as she smashed a bottle over one’s head and stabbed the broken glass into his gut. The second and third hardly have time to react before the Angry Grem leapt at them, biting into the second one’s jugular and tearing his throat out. The last druid cowered from the gremlin, his hand cum blasts bouncing off her skin, “Go fuck a horse somewhere else, you shitsucking dendriphiles!” She growled as she pulled out an NES zapper, exploding him entirely with a single trigger pull, a diamond falling out of his ashes onto the floor. “Ya poopy heads,” She spat as she went to walk past the druid remains, looking to grab Megaman X, only for the diamond to shoot her up through the ceiling with a shriek. She looked around the living room, her head comically sticking through the floor. One of the lenses on her glasses was cracked and there were bits of wood and drywall in her now messy hair. She looked the angriest she had been all day, turning to face the camera, “Wanna know something? The worst part of all of this? The fucking awful LJN game was better than the movie! Imagine that! LJN made a game better than their source material! What a shit load of fuck. Don’t play this shitty game and for fucks sake don’t watch the movie. I just wasted a total of five hours on this shit. LJN, more like L-A-N! Standing for Laughin’ Alpin’ Numbnuts, of course...”