[A collaboration between IfTheArtistConsents (Minds Newgrounds) and I! He did the art for this little shitpost and helped me write it! Go check him out!
If you aren’t a fan of AVGN you might not get much out of this. You can check out an example of the game here and here]
The video starts with the Grem poorly green screened onto skateboard and surfboard footage. She’s wearing a button up hawaiian shirt with her usual pens shoved in the breast pocket along with a pair of black sunglasses, “Woah, dudes, I didn’t see you there! I was just catching some gnarly and radical waves before you showed up!” The Grem pantomimed doing a trick along with the video, the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater point noise ringing out as she ‘landed’ the trick, “Wasn’t that radical!? TOTALLY 90’s BROS!” She gave the viewers the hang loose sign before totally beefing it on the skateboard. “AW FUCK- I mean BOGUS, DUDES- I mean, alright fuck this, I’m going back to videogames.” The Grem picked up her skateboard and went home, walking into her nerd room before sitting on the couch. “Remember back in the late 80s and 90s when everyone was into skateboarding and wearing neon colored bullshit? The market back then would have you believe that back then… skateboarding was the shit! They had all kinds of merchandise, boards - or decks or whatever, t-shirst, toys, videogames, fuckin’ little fingerboard techdecks which also had their own games, movies - did you know Don DeLuise played a skateboard in The Skateboard Kid? No, you heard me right, Don DeLuise played A SKATEBOARD IN A KID’S MOVIE! So anyway, I talked about it a little when I reviewed Skate or Die, but what I didn’t really mention was how many of these fucking games there were! Some I’ve never even heard of, like Awesome Earl in Skaterock, or Thrasher Presents Skate and Destroy - that’s a good name. Skate or Die has about five sequels alone and don’t even get me started on that Tony Hawk shit. There’s more Tony Hawk games than Madden. But that’s not what we’re gonna talk about today, today we’re gonna talk about another game, a shitty one. Wanna know how I know it’ll be shitty? Its a fucking liscenced game on the Nintendo! Wanna guess who it’s licensed to? LJN. I’d be better off busting face on the curb than busting my ass on this shit! I’d rather Fuckman bust a nut in my fucking mouth then cream pie me and--” The Grem looked embarrassed for a second, “Anyway. Back to the game.” The Grem sighed at the game and picked it up, “So here we’ve got Town and Country: Wood and Water Rage. Great. I looked into Town and Country a little bit, and they’re a Hawaiian skate and surf shop established in ‘71. They’re still around and making boards today. Kinda surprised they survived after contacting LJN to make a game for them, anything LJN touches dies by going septic!” She sighed and looked at her consoles, “Now… where's the Nintendo? Oh right, I blew it up in my duel with Fuckman two weeks ago,” She groaned to herself, “Hardly got away from that fucker. Hey, Nestie! Get in here!” From behind a curtain on the far side of the room, an automaton painted NES grey waltzed over to the TV and sat on the floor next to it, “Rather than buying a new one I built this automaton. I call her NEStie, get it? She’s got a goddamn Nintendo built into her chest! Ye-heahhh! Imagine blowing through your games while you’re blowin’ through your wife! That shit would be rad! Too bad playing games like this on her is the equivalent of spousal abuse,” The Grem grabbed some cables and plugged them into the long haired automaton’s back as the robot gave a nervous look. Her spine jolted as her cables connected to the TV inputs. The Grem went back to her front and lifted the robot’s shirt. She pushed some flaps out of the way and put the game into the slot. Nestie breathed in sharply. The Grem rolled her eyes before pressing the power button. Only fuzz and static came through the TV screen, “Goddammit!” She turned it back off and yanked the game out, making Nestie jump. She blew into the game cartridge before she pushed the flaps aside again and blew into the slot, making Nestie moan. The Grem gave her a look and shoved the game back in roughly and hit the power button. The game came through just fine this time, causing the Grem to groan her displeasure. “Right off the bat you can tell it’s shit, because they didn’t even bother making music for the title screen! Just sit back and let your ears be serenaded by the sounds of piss hitting the inside of a toilet bowl over and over until you finally start the fucking game. And what’s with the title screen anyway, it’s boring! I get this is supposed to be promoting the Town & Country brand or whatever, but did they really even try? You got three palm trees and a random body of water with the T&C logo and a yin yang streaming across the front of a boring gray background. What’s worse, is without reading all that legal bullshit at the bottom of the screen, you might never know this was a Town and Country game, unless you’re a big Town and Country consumer or whatever. What’s a kid gonna think when he sees the T&C? Tits and crap? I need a beer…” The Grem grabbed a drink off a table nearby and cracked it open before taking a swig of the Rolling Rock. She pressed start, hoping to get away from the horrible, droning noise of the NES sound chip hissing at her. Instead she was greeted by another screen, “What the fuck is this shit? You’ve got a bunch of assholes at the top of this menu, like Alf, Elvis, a timid gladiator clown, and Donkey Kong in an admittedly cool hat and shades. Below those jack offs you’ve got three options, Street Skate Session, Big Wave Encounter, and Wood and Water… Rage? Sounds like someone’s awful attempt at a sex joke to me.” She said, looking directly at the viewers. “I guess that is the name of the game, but tell me, why do I have to choose one or two players for each of these? Like, why not just pick one or two players first on the start menu like any other fuckin’ game, and then select the game? Pretty innovative, I gotta say. Alright, I’m done nit picking, Street Skate is first. Can I also say this menu looks like some shit outta Sonic? Like I’m about to drop into fucking Green Hill zone! Or maybe Chemical Plant is more accurate because they could process this shit there and-- Alright, I’m playing the game.” The Grem pressed start and the game opened to a character select. “Well this is different,” She remarked, “Instead of letting me scroll through a character select I get to hit either A or B… Why? And where are the other characters, all I get are that gladiator guy and Elvis? Fuck it, give me Elvis.” The game started up, a shirtless Elvis began skating down the road towards a town filled with oil barrels. The Grem stared horrified as she attempted to dodge up and down the street only for her to plow into a roadblock once, twice, gameover! Without warning the game spat her out back to the title screen. She could feel herself melting back into the couch as she ran her fingers through her hair. “What… the fuck just happened. I pushed start and the game just came at me like a bukake of bullshit! Let’s try again.” She huffed, pushing start. This time, she tried jumping over an oil drum and her skateboard was knocked out from beneath her, Elvis eating shit on the pavement. She tried again, only for the same thing to happen, game over. “Okay, so here’s how it works. You have a lifebar, see the cookie lookin’ yin yangs on the bottom right? Those are your hitpoints, you get four, but not really because some things hit you for two, and some hit for three. You’re usually gonna die in two hits, so why even bother giving me four hitpoints? Whatever, let’s actually try to beat this shit.” She managed to dodge several barrels, even a frisbee and jumped a pit. “So there are two ways you can jump, you can jump off your board to dodge the roadblocks, or you can jump with your board, which you need to do to make it over the pits.” She explained while demonstrating. “I don’t even see the point of jumping off your board, it just fucked you up because you have to hold back on the D-pad and press A, but holding back makes you slow down and move backwards, so it goes against your instincts to hold forward and jump. The B button does nothing, so fuck it. Why didn’t they just make jumping with your board the B button, or hell, just make it A and not have the stupid jumping without your board. I don’t get it!” She immediately slammed into an oil drum after dodging a turtle and wound up stuck on a gravel obstacle, which slowed her to a crawl. “Oh my God, I’ve only got thirty seconds left and my character is moving so fucking slow! Come on! Move goddamnit!” She shouted, mashing forward on the D-pad. Gradually her character began to speed up, “Come on, this is bullshit!” She cried, mashing every button on her controller. Suddenly the character thrust forward, catching her attention. “What? What happened?” She tested the B button again, the character speeding up once more. “So… you have to mash B to go faster, like, because he’s pushing the board with his foot. WHY DO YA GOTTA DO THAT?! Why can’t I just hold down the button like in Mario? Mashing the B button makes it harder to time your jumps, and with as many objects on the road you have to be able to jump at a moment’s notice. Whatever, let’s finish this level. Well, that was surprisingly easy, after I had to figure out that load of shit. You only have a minute to finish the level, and without figuring out how to speed up I don’t think I would have made it.” “Level 2 is pretty much exactly level 1, there’s some differences here and there but effectively it’s the same. Level 3 seems to make some bigger changes, a pit right away, a big gravel pit, but fuck, I got hit by an R/C car and died, fuck this game! I’m moving on.” She went back to the game select and chose Big Wave Encounter. “Oh shit, I get to play as Donkey Kong! I guess they only made it so you can play those other two characters for Skateboarding and these two for surfing. Really, instead of just letting you play as whoever you want they split them up between games. May I ask why?” She selected the ape and the game started up immediately on a huge tidal wave that swallowed her up and killed her. “Fuck!” She cried as she tried mashing buttons and the d-pad to stay alive. None of them seemed to do anything as she was moved to the left and swallowed by the massive wave as the shitty wave sound from the title screen screeched through the TV. She was placed back at the beginning and this time she went down the tidal wave, slamming into a man riding an innertube and dying. “FUCK!” She tried again, this time a seagull dive bombed her, knocking her off her surfboard. “AH! Eat a dick you fuckin’ flying rat bitch! Pressing forward makes you go faster, but you gravitate to the bottom of the wave. That makes sense, but how the hell do I get back up? If I go too far down I fall into the water and die! If I hold up, I go back to the top of the waterfall, fall off my board and die, that is if I don’t get drowned by the wave chasing me first! A and B do nothing now, so what the fuck do I do?! And those fucking Seagulls! That noise they make every time they come on screen is like auditory rape, it’s drilling into my ears! What were they THINKING?!” She got up to rip the game out of Nestie but stopped short as she saw the third and final game. She grit her teeth, “FINE! One more, and then I’m sending this game to Hell!” She downed more Rolling Rock as she plopped back onto the couch. “Oh, hey. I get to pick Elvis and Donkey Kong on the same team! Nice!” She smiled but the smile soon vanished when the skateboarding game started up, “It's… just both games together, like why? Who would fucking do that?! Like I get through the skate game easy as shit and then I can’t beat the surfing one! What a load of donkey dick! FUCK THIS GAME!” She jumped up and grabbed the game before tossing it to the ground. She then produced a skateboard and while screaming all manner of profanities at the game she beat it with the board until it split in half. “Thank fuck I’m done with that game, but… there’s another one. Town and Country Thrilla’s Surfari…” She went to the shelf and immediately found it, pulling it out with disgust. “Who the fuck is Thrilla anyway, their mascot? You mean Donkey Kong? That’s Thrilla? Whatever, let’s play the game.” She slotted the game cartridge into her automaton again, the robot letting out a moan of pleasure. “Oh shut the fuck up, you cybernetic clit flicker.” The game started with the same legal text on a black screen before fading to black. Then the next words mystified the Grem: Somewhere in Africa… The screen faded again, this time showing a masked native holding audience with a face on a mountain. “Wazula… to restore your immortal powers, I command you to bring Barbi Bikini to me! Who the fuck is Wazula, was that the gladiator guy? So he’s African? I thought this was a Hawaiin company but now we’re in Africa? And who the fuck is Barbi Bikini? Is it like THE Barbi Bikini? Some kinda swimwear of power or is Donkey Kong-- I mean, Thrilla plowing that plastic bimbo bitch Barbi? At least I assume he is if it's a person, since the game has him on the title. Whatever, let’s get on with this.” The game then showed a title card saying the Grem was now in Maui, Hawaii while upbeat chiptune music played, “Okay? So we’re back in Hawaii? There’s Donk- Thrilla, surfin’ on that fuckin’ sewer tidal wave of shit! ‘Great waves, hot sun, and my babe on the beach’- no… I was just joking before… is this gorilla actually fucking Barbi? Maybe Barbi is another gorilla? OH! NO! She’s just a regular lady with shitty NES baby puke green hair! And then the native african guy, Wazula just pops into existence without any fanfare and kidnaps her. If you blink you’d have missed it! Holy shit, Thrilla is PISSED! Then it goes to the title screen and reminds you who made this - LJN, just in case that intro may have excited you. Anyways, let’s see how this piece of shit plays.” The game then played a cutscene to show Thrilla booking a flight to Africa. “Okay, so I guess Thrilla knows we have to go to Africa or whatever, but what the fuck, look at this! Why is Africa in the middle of the ocean by itself like a green turd floating in a pool? Where’s Europe or Asia, or any other parts of the world? Whatever.” “So… The game play. It's surprisingly good. The physics doing up and down hills are decent, Thrilla goes ape shit with his tricks when he jumps and generally controls pretty easily, for an LJN game. There’s only one problem. There are fucking obstacles EVERYWHERE. There are so many fucking logs on the road and jumps that trick you into thinking you’ll make it over a whole row of them only to hit the last one on the way down. And when he dies, he slides across the ground, unless you fall in a pit where he disintegrates into a pile of dust, God that’s horrible! And when he hits a log while sliding he explodes into a million pieces! A lot of this shit comes at you too fuckin’ fast, too, like you gotta slow down if you even want to stand a chance at finishing a level. One hit from a log or a pit will end you before you can even say fuck!” She managed to get through level 1 and moved onto the next one, quickly getting assaulted by an array of enemies and obstacles. “Believe it or not, you actually have a health bar, not that it fucking matters because as soon as you hit a log you’re fuckin’ dead, and if you’re going to fast an enemy can stun you and you’ll hit the log anyway so what’s the fucking point?! I have to slow my ass to a crawl and I can BARELY beat this level - oh what’s that - HOLY SHIT, THRILLA’S GOING APE SHIT!” As soon as the Grem rode over two gray rocks Thrilla jumped and began to skate while handstanding, completely invincible, “Thrilla’s goin’ nuts, he’s fucking up all those tiny animals! He’s shreddin’ their little heads off! And every time they die they cry out in the most shrill, awful noise I’ve ever heard!” The Grem put her hands over her ears as five shrill cries rang out before Thrilla crashed into a log and shattered like glass, GAME OVER, DUDE. “Goddammit! I gotta do all that bullshit again!” A short montage of the Grem crashing and burning a ton and getting game overs. Eventually, while taking the second level incredibly slowly, she made it, “Oh thank fuck. What’s level three?” The Grem stared, her face turning to dismay as she saw that Thrilla was now on a surfboard going down a river in an african jungle. Thrilla bounced off rocks and shrieked at enemies until he was electrocuted by an eel and fell down a waterfall and died. Silently, the Grem got up and turned off Nestie and took the game out of her slot. She looked at the cartridge for a moment, twisting her face in anger before throwing it across the room as hard as she could, “Fuck this game.” She grumbled, walking off camera.
IfTheArtistConsents got bored and made this too