“Gimme the five eighths, big guy,” The gremlin barked from beneath the car she was working on. 
	“Sure,” The man replied as he went to the tool bench. It took him a second to find it, but he quickly brought it back to the vehicle, “Here.”
	“Thanks. Nope,” She took only a moment to test the wrench’s size before handing it back, “Need the twenty one over thirty two.”
	“Pin…” Her husband sighed.
	“Just humor me, Jack,” She asked as she slid out on the skateboard, “I think we’re getting somewhere, I just need to tear this part out,” The gremlin was wearing a bright orange jumpsuit that was covered in oil and grease. Round goggles covered both of her orange eyes, and her messy green hair was pulled back into a bun. 
	Jack nodded, “Got it. This thing just looks–”
	“Like a piece of shit. I know,” Pin finished his sentence as she was handed the wrench she wanted, “This baby is gonna be awesome once I get it working!”
	The two were in an old airplane hangar turned workshop. The large rounded building had three workbenches, each mid project that had been put on hold by the gremlin to work on the car she had gotten ahold of. Other things in the hangar were a plane owned by her friend, a half built mecha, a few cars that needed work, and boxes upon boxes of tools, parts, and other miscellaneous machinery. Pin backed up and admired the old car she had rescued was an old 1973 Chevrolet El Camino. The vehicle was long, only had two seats, but had a bed in it like a pickup truck despite looking more like a car. It had definitely seen better days. The blue paint was peeling, the windows all needed to be replaced, the interior was a mess, and the underside and engine both needed to be worked on heavily, “Well,” Jack started, “We still need to find a replacement for the center console. That plastic is all chewed up by something. A new bumper. I’m sure you can manufacture some new body parts for it. That hood is rusted through.”
	“I know, I know,” Pin reached down and picked up her pet rat as it scurried by. The rotund rodent sniffed the air and sat limp in her arm as she scratched its head, “But hey, I’ll let you paint it how you want. Maybe we’ll get a cool sparkly red wrap on it, maybe a matte green with the Gremtech logo for when we haul equipment on site,” She put the rat down and watched it scurry to where the two cats slept on a leather chair and joined them in the cuddle pile.
	“Past that, we still need to tear out the engine and replace it with a mana reactor,” Jack added, “At least you can do that quickly.”
	“Right. I’ve got some people looking for parts. I’ve got enough parts for a mana engine,” She replied, “And I’ve got my husband to help. You’ll paint it like those little people and tanks, right?”
	“Not exactly…” He scratched his head and frowned, “I’ve never painted a car. The last thing I want to do is mess up your passion project.”
	“Oh, shut up, you’re fine. We can always just strip the damn paint. Speaking of, grab the paint stripper and a brush and get to work on this shit,” Pin ordered as she got back on the skateboard and went under the vehicle. 
Jack sighed and put on his own dark blue jumpsuit and ran his fingers through his dark brown hair, “I hope this is all worth it.”
	“It will be! Stop being such a fucking downer!” Pin barked. 
	Jack didn’t reply. Instead the man grabbed some trash bags and painters tape. He taped off the windows and covered them with a portion of trash bag before getting the powerful paint stripper painted on. After a few minutes, the paint and the stripper was scraped off, leaving the metal shell of the car bare. Admittedly, it wasn’t as rusted as he expected. As he started getting the tape off, a buzz rang out from the nearby tool bench, “Phone’s ringing,” Jack called to Pin.
	“Pick it up for me, would ya?” There was a metallic bang from under the car as Pin tossed a piece aside.
	Grabbing the phone, Jack answered it quickly, “Yo!”
	“Ay, Jack,” A gravelly female voice came through the phone, “It's Wik,” The pyrow greeted, “I called Pin’s phone, didn’t I? I wasn’t lookin’ to talk to your ugly mug,” The smile on her lips could easily be heard.
	Jack ignored the teasing but could practically smell the smoke miasma that always covered the demon and her husband, “You did. She’s–” There was another loud metal bang, “a little busy. What’s up?”
	“I was hoping to talk to her about whisky, but I’ll cut right to the chase. We found the car she’s looking for. Me an’ Bob spotted one in a yard a way outside of town on a bike ride– Tell Pin that the fixes she made are workin’ great, by the way. The car is just sittin’ out there, plopped down under a tree. Doesn’t look like it’s goin’ anywhere soon. I have the address, if you want it.”
	“Yeah, of course we do!”
“Got a pen? Get ready to write this down.”	
	Jack quickly wrote it down on his phone, “Thank you. I’ll tell Pin to give you a call later. Gotta go, I’m sure she’s gonna want to leave right away.”
	“No worries. Tell her I want my finders fee in dwarven cigars and liquor. See ya.”
	Jack put the phone down and made a mental note of that final mention, “Pin! We found one! Get your coat!”

	“Should be about two miles out then to the right,” Pin explained as she looked up from her GPS. 
	“Got it,” Jack gripped the steering wheel as he rounded a bend in the countryside. The sunshine streamed through white fluffy clouds and made the fields of morning dew covered grass shine. 
	Pin had changed into a wool lined flight jacket, a t-shirt, and jeans. Her emerald hair flowed free down her shoulders and back. Her goggles hung around her neck as she sipped orange juice and champagne from a jeweled flask, “What do ya think they’re doing with this thing just sitting in their yard?”
	“Dunno,” Jack shrugged, “Think they’ll part with it?”
	“They fuckin’ better,” Pin grunted as she put her drink away. The duo stared out their windows as they rounded another bend. A quaint little house surrounded by low wiring fencing was their destination. In the front of the house were numerous fruit trees, each one slowly growing its leaves back as the warmth of spring neared. The house was an off white, yellowish color. It was an older building, but well taken care of. Behind it was a red barn, the sounds of cows, chickens, goats, and sheep were all audible in the late morning sunshine. Pin pressed herself against her door, “There!” Off to the side of the building was her goal, an old ‘73 El Camino. The body of it had all been painted over, including the headlights and once chromed bumper. Bottles of wine, suns, and clouds had all been painted on it, “Oh, what the hell did they do to it?”
	“That’ll all come off, calm down,” Jack turned into the driveway. At one point in his life, he would have been terrified to go and talk to a stranger like this, but with Pin by his side, he felt emboldened as he coasted down the long, rocky driveway. As he pulled alongside the house, he saw the garage behind the house where a man stood working on a tractor. Jack could see the same concentration he usually made when working on machinery on the man's face. To the side of the barn were rows upon rows of grape vines and raised planters, “Looks like a real farm.”
	“Yeah, I’m gonna go talk to that guy,” Pin pushed her door open as the car came to a stop, “Oi! Tractor troubles?”
	The man looked over, “A gremlin? On a day like this, you’re more like an angel here to save me,” The man took off a glove and wiped his brow. He had short blonde hair and wore a tanktop and jeans. He was a little older than Jack, but not by many years, “Thing won’t get any power. Darn mana things. I miss gas and oil.”
	“Got it, let’s take a look-see. Oh, these John Deer things are pieces of shit,” Pin scoffed, “It’s like they built these to be a shitty time to work on. Let’s– Aha! Your engine valves are leaking. Look at these. Those rubber gaskets aren’t doing shit. Wish I had my damn tools,” Despite her grumbling, Pin got to work immediately. 
	“The man calls you an angel and you start swearing,” Jack chuckled, “Sorry for just rolling up on your property.”
	“Ah, don’t worry. The wife loves company. What brings you both around here?” He extended his hand for a shake which Jack quickly reciprocated. The farmer’s grip was quite strong, “Name’s Kyle.”
	“Kyle? Jack,” He replied, “Well, we’re out here because of that,” With his thumb, he pointed at the old car that sat on cinder blocks.
	“That piece of junk? Come to think of it, there were two others who took a quick look at it before driving off,” Kyle shrugged. “Never thought that would be a hot ticket item.”
	The two men wandered over to it. The old car had no wheels and was only held up by some cinder blocks. In the back of the car were some potted plants, each one growing well despite the late winter and early spring cold. The entire car had been painted a mint green which had become the canvas for numerous spray paint drawings. Jack pulled the door open to find the interior was quite well maintained, like it hadn't been driven in decades, “How’d you end up with this?” Jack wondered.
	“Found it out in the barn when we bought the property. Knew we’d never fix it up, so Iris decided to make it a lawn ornament. Now it holds some of her plants.”
	“Iris?” Jack echoed.
	“The ol’ ball and chain. She should be back soon. Hey! Iris!” He shouted toward the back yard.
	“Be there in a second!” A feminine voice replied. Her accent was thick, Jack pinned it as some kind of mediterranean, it reminded him of his pal’s minotauran wife’s speech. Sure enough, the woman appeared shortly. With hips that swayed as she walked, her cloven feet clacking on the ground as she went. Her legs were covered in wine colored, curly hairs up to her waist. Said waist had a rope tied around it with gardening tools and a pan flute. Other than the rope, the only clothes she wore was a thick band covering her breasts of a deep purple color with the hem adorned with orange feathers. Her waist length, semi messy, purple hair flowed freely in the mid morning breeze and her plum colored eyes smiled as she spotted her visitor, “Good morning!” She adjusted the large basket she carried as she approached, “A friend of yours, Kyle?” Her large curled horns glistened in the sunshine.
	“Nah, they’re here about the car,” Kyle gestured to it.
	“Oh? What about it caught your eye?” Iris asked with a cheeky smile.
	Jack shrugged, “It looks like it's in good shape. Relatively,” He scratched his head, wishing his wife wasn’t preoccupied. 
	Like an answer to his prayer, the tractor came to life with a quiet groan, “Hahaha!” The gremlin cackled as she drove the tractor around the house to where the group stood. 
	“Well, looky there,” Kyle nodded in satisfaction, “The gremlin really is an angel!”
	Pin jumped down as she turned the tractor off, “Should last you a while. But you really should bring it by my shop to be serviced,” She grinned.
	“Thank you so much!” Iris grinned, “If I knew a mechanic was coming I would have prepared a meal!”
	“It's close enough to lunch for that, right?” Kyle asked, “Jack, this is Iris.”
	Jack nodded, “Nice to meet you. This is my wife, Pin.”
	“Heya,” Pin smiled, “So, uh, what happened to this beauty?” 
	“How about we speak over lunch,” Iris offered, “I simply must pay you back for your work and I just harvested some nice looking greens, onions, and garlic!”
	“Stew, salad, and some steaks,” Kyle decided, “Will ya join us for lunch?”
	“Can’t talk about cars on an empty stomach,” The gremlin decided, “C’mon, Jack.”

	Jack slowly munched on the melt-in-your-mouth garlic buttered steak as Pin and Iris went back and forth in their conversation. Kyle glanced at the other man as he finished his salad. The two had bickered all lunch. Both sipped on wine that the satyr had made herself many springs ago, “Bullshit! No way is that center console and bumper worth that much to you!” Pin cried, “I fixed your damn tractor!”
	“And I made you a wonderful meal to repay you,” Iris indignantly stated, “You asked me my price and I gave it. I’m attached to it.”
	Pin’s fingers rapped on the hardwood table. The inside of their house was mostly normal. The living room had a long couch, a wide TV, and a few tables. The walls in the living room, kitchen, and dining room were all adorned with tapestries depicting Greek myths, shields, busts, swords, and paintings. Bottles of wine sat in a glass doored cabinet which decorative grape vines flowed off of a stone bust of a satyr, “Is there any mechanical work you need done? Replacement parts for the tractor?”
	“Money would be a lot more useful. I feel it might just need to be wholly replaced at this point.”
	Kyle wiped his mouth, “Ya two have been goin’ around and around for an hour.”
	“We can look somewhere else, Pin. This isn’t the only El Camino in the world,” Jack said, moving on to the last of his salad.
	The two women stared at their respective husbands. Neither had much of a will to back down. Kyle sighed, “How about ya play that game with her for it, Iris? We don’t need that stuff, really.”
	The satyr’s eyes lit up, “Oooh. Maybe that would do. Especially since you won’t play anymore.”
	“Huh?” Jack made a concerned face.
	“A game of chance, perhaps?” Pin smirked, “Or maybe a good old drinking game?”
	“One of dexterity,” The satyr corrected, “Come to the terrace.”
	All four rose from the table and moved to the back door. There was a large tiled and roofed area surrounding a fountain depicting a satyr pouring water from a large bottle. There were four ancient greek styled couches surrounding a tall bronze pole with a dish about halfway down. Kyle brought out a smooth, flat disk and balanced it on the top of the pole as Iris brought out two bottles of wine and four greek styled drinking containers that looked more like bowls to Pin. In the larger of the two, Iris poured the nicer of the two bottles into the larger cups while pouring the cheaper wine into the smaller cups, “The game is called kottabos. We lounge on these couches and take turns lobing wine-lees– that’s the yeast sediment from the brewing process for you non-brewers– at the target.”
	“The disk on the top,” Kyle added.
	“Right. You have to knock it down and have it crash into the disk halfway down.”
	“How much do we play to?” Pin quickly asked as she stripped her hoodie off. 
	“Until the mad satyr decides the game is over,” Kyle scoffed.
	She smiled in response, “This will not be like the parties my kin would throw! I will not drive these two mad with endless drinking and games!” She laughed, “Though maybe we can get Pin to sacrifice Jack for favor from the gods!”
	Pin flashed a revolver from her bottomless bag as a humorless response. Jack sighed, “This feels like some weird, old school beer pong.”
	Iris, still smiling, adorned herself in a toga and tossed one to Pin, “Feel free to take some practice throws!”
Pin took her position, laying on her side, propped up on one arm on a couch. She took the smaller cup full of wine-lees and flung the contents at the pole. The wild spray went everywhere, splashing on the ground. Jack refilled her cup every time. It took ten throws before she got it down, figuring out how to move her arm to keep the lees in a clump when she threw it. Pin nodded, “I guess I’m as ready as I can be.”
	“Don’t sound so disheartened,” Jack pat her arm, “We’ll figure something out if we don’t get these.”
	“First, a toast,” Iris raised the larger cup of wine and Pin did the same, both of them downing a few large gulps of wine, “I will go first,” Iris declared, “Quite a simple game, isn’t it? All about dexterity and–” The satyr’s throw went totally wide and splashed against the brick, “Ah.”
	Kyle refilled her cup and brought out the hose to clean the mess that would be made. Pin went next, lobbing a blob of sediment that went a little low. Iris missed again and then Pin managed to graze the disk on top. It shook but stayed atop the pole. Iris threw hers, hitting the disc and knocking it down, but failing to hit the disk halfway down the pole. Both of the mamano drank more wine as Kyle set it back up. Pin, now somewhat inebriated, felt at ease as she prepared another throw. She glanced at her husband before going back to the pole. She lobbed her shot, hitting the edge of the disk and causing it to fall again. Like the crash of cymbals, the brass disks collided before the top one fell to the ground, “Did I do it?” Pin asked.
	“Yup,” Iris sighed, but smiled about it, “Those parts you wanted are yours, Pin,” She yawned as she clenched her hands in victory, “Thanks for playing with me, I’d keep it going but I’m quite sleepy. It's a good afternoon for a nap.”
	“No problem,” Pin sighed with relief, “Feel free to bring that tractor over sometime for some service.”
	“And you are free to return, especially if you wish to humor me with another game!” She chuckled.
	Pin nodded, “Sure, hopefully we can have a bit more fun with it. Come on, big guy. Lets get that stuff and get out of here, we’ve got work to do!”
	In about half an hour, Pin and Jack removed the bumpers and some parts from the interior. Soon, the two took off, saying their goodbyes to a couple new friends, “They were nice,” Jack said as he pulled out of the driveway.
	“She was one of the least insane satyrs I’ve ever met,” Pin stared over the home brewed wine bottle she had been sent off with, “We’ll have to have them over along with the others sometime.”

[A collaboration between IfTheArtistConsents (Minds Newgrounds) and I! He did the art for this little shitpost and helped me write it! Go check him out!
If you aren’t a fan of AVGN you might not get much out of this. You can check out an example of the game here and here]

	The video starts with the Grem poorly green screened onto skateboard and surfboard footage. She’s wearing a button up hawaiian shirt with her usual pens shoved in the breast pocket along with a pair of black sunglasses, “Woah, dudes, I didn’t see you there! I was just catching some gnarly and radical waves before you showed up!” The Grem pantomimed doing a trick along with the video, the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater point noise ringing out as she ‘landed’ the trick, “Wasn’t that radical!? TOTALLY 90’s BROS!” She gave the viewers the hang loose sign before totally beefing it on the skateboard.
“AW FUCK- I mean BOGUS, DUDES- I mean, alright fuck this, I’m going back to videogames.” The Grem picked up her skateboard and went home, walking into her nerd room before sitting on the couch.
“Remember back in the late 80s and 90s when everyone was into skateboarding and wearing neon colored bullshit? The market back then would have you believe that back then… skateboarding was the shit! They had all kinds of merchandise, boards - or decks or whatever, t-shirst, toys, videogames, fuckin’ little fingerboard techdecks which also had their own games, movies - did you know Don DeLuise played a skateboard in The Skateboard Kid? No, you heard me right, Don DeLuise played A SKATEBOARD IN A KID’S MOVIE! So anyway, I talked about it a little when I reviewed Skate or Die, but what I didn’t really mention was how many of these fucking games there were! Some I’ve never even heard of, like Awesome Earl in Skaterock, or Thrasher Presents Skate and Destroy - that’s a good name. Skate or Die has about five sequels alone and don’t even get me started on that Tony Hawk shit. There’s more Tony Hawk games than Madden. But that’s not what we’re gonna talk about today, today we’re gonna talk about another game, a shitty one. Wanna know how I know it’ll be shitty? Its a fucking liscenced game on the Nintendo! Wanna guess who it’s licensed to? LJN. I’d be better off busting face on the curb than busting my ass on this shit! I’d rather Fuckman bust a nut in my fucking mouth then cream pie me and--” The Grem looked embarrassed for a second, “Anyway. Back to the game.”
	The Grem sighed at the game and picked it up, “So here we’ve got Town and Country: Wood and Water Rage. Great. I looked into Town and Country a little bit, and they’re a Hawaiian skate and surf shop established in ‘71. They’re still around and making boards today. Kinda surprised they survived after contacting LJN to make a game for them, anything LJN touches dies by going septic!” She sighed and looked at her consoles, “Now… where's the Nintendo? Oh right, I blew it up in my duel with Fuckman two weeks ago,” She groaned to herself, “Hardly got away from that fucker. Hey, Nestie! Get in here!” From behind a curtain on the far side of the room, an automaton painted NES grey waltzed over to the TV and sat on the floor next to it, “Rather than buying a new one I built this automaton. I call her NEStie, get it? She’s got a goddamn Nintendo built into her chest! Ye-heahhh! Imagine blowing through your games while you’re blowin’ through your wife! That shit would be rad! Too bad playing games like this on her is the equivalent of spousal abuse,” The Grem grabbed some cables and plugged them into the long haired automaton’s back as the robot gave a nervous look. Her spine jolted as her cables connected to the TV inputs. The Grem went back to her front and lifted the robot’s shirt. She pushed some flaps out of the way and put the game into the slot. Nestie breathed in sharply. The Grem rolled her eyes before pressing the power button. Only fuzz and static came through the TV screen, “Goddammit!” She turned it back off and yanked the game out, making Nestie jump. She blew into the game cartridge before she pushed the flaps aside again and blew into the slot, making Nestie moan. The Grem gave her a look and shoved the game back in roughly and hit the power button. The game came through just fine this time, causing the Grem to groan her displeasure.
“Right off the bat you can tell it’s shit, because they didn’t even bother making music for the title screen! Just sit back and let your ears be serenaded by the sounds of piss hitting the inside of a toilet bowl over and over until you finally start the fucking game. And what’s with the title screen anyway, it’s boring! I get this is supposed to be promoting the Town & Country brand or whatever, but did they really even try?
 You got three palm trees and a random body of water with the T&C logo and a yin yang streaming across the front of a boring gray background. What’s worse, is without reading all that legal bullshit at the bottom of the screen, you might never know this was a Town and Country game, unless you’re a big Town and Country consumer or whatever. What’s a kid gonna think when he sees the T&C? Tits and crap? I need a beer…” The Grem grabbed a drink off a table nearby and cracked it open before taking a swig of the Rolling Rock. She pressed start, hoping to get away from the horrible, droning noise of the NES sound chip hissing at her. Instead she was greeted by another screen, “What the fuck is this shit? You’ve got a bunch of assholes at the top of this menu, like Alf, Elvis, a timid gladiator clown, and Donkey Kong in an admittedly cool hat and shades. Below those jack offs you’ve got three options, Street Skate Session, Big Wave Encounter, and Wood and Water… Rage? Sounds like someone’s awful attempt at a sex joke to me.” She said, looking directly at the viewers.
“I guess that is the name of the game, but tell me, why do I have to choose one or two players for each of these? Like, why not just pick one or two players first on the start menu like any other fuckin’ game, and then select the game? Pretty innovative, I gotta say. Alright, I’m done nit picking, Street Skate is first. Can I also say this menu looks like some shit outta Sonic? Like I’m about to drop into fucking Green Hill zone! Or maybe Chemical Plant is more accurate because they could process this shit there and-- Alright, I’m playing the game.”
	The Grem pressed start and the game opened to a character select.
	“Well this is different,” She remarked, “Instead of letting me scroll through a character select I get to hit either A or B… Why? And where are the other characters, all I get are that gladiator guy and Elvis? Fuck it, give me Elvis.”
	The game started up, a shirtless Elvis began skating down the road towards a town filled with oil barrels. The Grem stared horrified as she attempted to dodge up and down the street only for her to plow into a roadblock once, twice, gameover! Without warning the game spat her out back to the title screen. She could feel herself melting back into the couch as she ran her fingers through her hair.
	“What… the fuck just happened. I pushed start and the game just came at me like a bukake of bullshit! Let’s try again.” She huffed, pushing start. This time, she tried jumping over an oil drum and her skateboard was knocked out from beneath her, Elvis eating shit on the pavement. She tried again, only for the same thing to happen, game over.
	“Okay, so here’s how it works. You have a lifebar, see the cookie lookin’ yin yangs on the bottom right? Those are your hitpoints, you get four, but not really because some things hit you for two, and some hit for three. You’re usually gonna die in two hits, so why even bother giving me four hitpoints? Whatever, let’s actually try to beat this shit.” She managed to dodge several barrels, even a frisbee and jumped a pit.
	“So there are two ways you can jump, you can jump off your board to dodge the roadblocks, or you can jump with your board, which you need to do to make it over the pits.” She explained while demonstrating. “I don’t even see the point of jumping off your board, it just fucked you up because you have to hold back on the D-pad and press A, but holding back makes you slow down and move backwards, so it goes against your instincts to hold forward and jump. The B button does nothing, so fuck it. Why didn’t they just make jumping with your board the B button, or hell, just make it A and not have the stupid jumping without your board. I don’t get it!”
She immediately slammed into an oil drum after dodging a turtle and wound up stuck on a gravel obstacle, which slowed her to a crawl. “Oh my God, I’ve only got thirty seconds left and my character is moving so fucking slow! Come on! Move goddamnit!” She shouted, mashing forward on the D-pad. Gradually her character began to speed up, “Come on, this is bullshit!” She cried, mashing every button on her controller. Suddenly the character thrust forward, catching her attention. “What? What happened?”
She tested the B button again, the character speeding up once more. “So… you have to mash B to go faster, like, because he’s pushing the board with his foot. WHY DO YA GOTTA DO THAT?! Why can’t I just hold down the button like in Mario? Mashing the B button makes it harder to time your jumps, and with as many objects on the road you have to be able to jump at a moment’s notice. Whatever, let’s finish this level. Well, that was surprisingly easy, after I had to figure out that load of shit. You only have a minute to finish the level, and without figuring out how to speed up I don’t think I would have made it.”
“Level 2 is pretty much exactly level 1, there’s some differences here and there but effectively it’s the same. Level 3 seems to make some bigger changes, a pit right away, a big gravel pit, but fuck, I got hit by an R/C car and died, fuck this game! I’m moving on.”
She went back to the game select and chose Big Wave Encounter. “Oh shit, I get to play as Donkey Kong! I guess they only made it so you can play those other two characters for Skateboarding and these two for surfing. Really, instead of just letting you play as whoever you want they split them up between games. May I ask why?”
She selected the ape and the game started up immediately on a huge tidal wave that swallowed her up and killed her. “Fuck!” She cried as she tried mashing buttons and the d-pad to stay alive. None of them seemed to do anything as she was moved to the left and swallowed by the massive wave as the shitty wave sound from the title screen screeched through the TV.
 She was placed back at the beginning and this time she went down the tidal wave, slamming into a man riding an innertube and dying. “FUCK!”
She tried again, this time a seagull dive bombed her, knocking her off her surfboard.
“AH! Eat a dick you fuckin’ flying rat bitch! Pressing forward makes you go faster, but you gravitate to the bottom of the wave. That makes sense, but how the hell do I get back up? If I go too far down I fall into the water and die! If I hold up, I go back to the top of the waterfall, fall off my board and die, that is if I don’t get drowned by the wave chasing me first! A and B do nothing now, so what the fuck do I do?! And those fucking Seagulls! That noise they make every time they come on screen is like auditory rape, it’s drilling into my ears! What were they THINKING?!” She got up to rip the game out of Nestie but stopped short as she saw the third and final game. She grit her teeth, “FINE! One more, and then I’m sending this game to Hell!” She downed more Rolling Rock as she plopped back onto the couch.
“Oh, hey. I get to pick Elvis and Donkey Kong on the same team! Nice!” She smiled but the smile soon vanished when the skateboarding game started up, “It's… just both games together, like why? Who would fucking do that?! Like I get through the skate game easy as shit and then I can’t beat the surfing one! What a load of donkey dick! FUCK THIS GAME!” She jumped up and grabbed the game before tossing it to the ground. She then produced a skateboard and while screaming all manner of profanities at the game she beat it with the board until it split in half.
“Thank fuck I’m done with that game, but… there’s another one. Town and Country Thrilla’s Surfari…” She went to the shelf and immediately found it, pulling it out with disgust. “Who the fuck is Thrilla anyway, their mascot? You mean Donkey Kong? That’s Thrilla? Whatever, let’s play the game.” 
She slotted the game cartridge into her automaton again, the robot letting out a moan of pleasure. “Oh shut the fuck up, you cybernetic clit flicker.”
The game started with the same legal text on a black screen before fading to black. Then the next words mystified the Grem: Somewhere in Africa… The screen faded again, this time showing a masked native holding audience with a face on a mountain. “Wazula… to restore your immortal powers, I command you to bring Barbi Bikini to me! Who the fuck is Wazula, was that the gladiator guy? So he’s African? I thought this was a Hawaiin company but now we’re in Africa? And who the fuck is Barbi Bikini? Is it like THE Barbi Bikini? Some kinda swimwear of power or is Donkey Kong-- I mean, Thrilla plowing that plastic bimbo bitch Barbi? At least I assume he is if it's a person, since the game has him on the title. Whatever, let’s get on with this.”
The game then showed a title card saying the Grem was now in Maui, Hawaii while upbeat chiptune music played, “Okay? So we’re back in Hawaii? There’s Donk- Thrilla, surfin’ on that fuckin’ sewer tidal wave of shit! ‘Great waves, hot sun, and my babe on the beach’- no… I was just joking before… is this gorilla actually fucking Barbi? Maybe Barbi is another gorilla? OH! NO! She’s just a regular lady with shitty NES baby puke green hair! And then the native african guy, Wazula just pops into existence without any fanfare and kidnaps her. If you blink you’d have missed it! Holy shit, Thrilla is PISSED! Then it goes to the title screen and reminds you who made this - LJN, just in case that intro may have excited you. Anyways, let’s see how this piece of shit plays.”
The game then played a cutscene to show Thrilla booking a flight to Africa. “Okay, so I guess Thrilla knows we have to go to Africa or whatever, but what the fuck, look at this! Why is Africa in the middle of the ocean by itself like a green turd floating in a pool? Where’s Europe or Asia, or any other parts of the world? Whatever.” 
“So… The game play. It's surprisingly good. The physics doing up and down hills are decent, Thrilla goes ape shit with his tricks when he jumps and generally controls pretty easily, for an LJN game. There’s only one problem. There are fucking obstacles EVERYWHERE. There are so many fucking logs on the road and jumps that trick you into thinking you’ll make it over a whole row of them only to hit the last one on the way down. And when he dies, he slides across the ground, unless you fall in a pit where he disintegrates into a pile of dust, God that’s horrible! And when he hits a log while sliding he explodes into a million pieces!  A lot of this shit comes at you too fuckin’ fast, too, like you gotta slow down if you even want to stand a chance at finishing a level. One hit from a log or a pit will end you before you can even say fuck!” She managed to get through level 1 and moved onto the next one, quickly getting assaulted by an array of enemies and obstacles. “Believe it or not, you actually have a health bar, not that it fucking matters because as soon as you hit a log you’re fuckin’ dead, and if you’re going to fast an enemy can stun you and you’ll hit the log anyway so what’s the fucking point?! I have to slow my ass to a crawl and I can BARELY beat this level - oh what’s that - HOLY SHIT, THRILLA’S GOING APE SHIT!”
As soon as the Grem rode over two gray rocks Thrilla jumped and began to skate while handstanding, completely invincible, “Thrilla’s goin’ nuts, he’s fucking up all those tiny animals! He’s shreddin’ their little heads off! And every time they die they cry out in the most shrill, awful noise I’ve ever heard!” The Grem put her hands over her ears as five shrill cries rang out before Thrilla crashed into a log and shattered like glass, GAME OVER, DUDE.
“Goddammit! I gotta do all that bullshit again!” A short montage of the Grem crashing and burning a ton and getting game overs. Eventually, while taking the second level incredibly slowly, she made it, “Oh thank fuck. What’s level three?”
The Grem stared, her face turning to dismay as she saw that Thrilla was now on a surfboard going down a river in an african jungle. Thrilla bounced off rocks and shrieked at enemies until he was electrocuted by an eel and fell down a waterfall and died. Silently, the Grem got up and turned off Nestie and took the game out of her slot. She looked at the cartridge for a moment, twisting her face in anger before throwing it across the room as hard as she could, “Fuck this game.” She grumbled, walking off camera.

.

IfTheArtistConsents got bored and made this too

[A collaboration between IfTheArtistConsents (Minds Newgrounds) and I! He did the art for this little shitpost and helped me write it! Go check him out!
If you aren’t a fan of AVGN you might not get much out of this. You can check out an example of the game here]

    “What a bunch of shitty games!” The Angry Video Grem Nerd shouted as she looked at the shelves around her little basement. She grabbed a ladder and set it up to look at the wall of games. She glared at her massive Super Nintendo collection. She had tons of games, an almost innumerable amount along the shelves from a multitude of consoles. Everything from the Atari 2600 to the PlayStation Two and even a few modern games in their own little cursed corner of the room. She looked at Super Nintendo games today, “This one’s shit,” She growled as she threw Terminator Two to the floor, “Another piece of shit,” Mario is Missing fell to the floor with the satisfying clunk of plastic on tile, “What a fucking piece of fuck,” She threw Dennis the Menace to the floor, “What’s this?” She grunted as she grabbed a game, “Megaman X? Haven’t touched this in a while,” She carefully climbed down her step ladder, making sure to step on Mario is Missing as she made her way to the couch, “Capcom made some good games back in the day, Streetfighter, Final Fight, and even Goof Troop just to name a few,” She pulled the Super Nintendo from where it was hidden and slotted Megaman X in, “Oh, I almost forgot. I need a fucking beer,” She told herself. The Angry Video Grem Nerd was a small creature named Jamie. A gremlin with short blue hair, long ears, a pair of glasses, brown slacks and a white button up shirt with a chest pocket which she filled out wholly with her bosom and wide hips.     “God, I’m fucking thirsty,” She swore to herself as she opened the fridge looking for her iconic Rolling Rock. A fresh, unmolested six pack of the alcoholic drinks sat on the bottom shelf of the fridge surrounded by other products that didn’t matter at the time. She went for one but as soon as her skin touched the cool glass, it vanished from her hand and was replaced with something warm and plastic. She looked down, a confused expression on her face, “A note?” She asked herself as she glanced at the sticky note covering the label of the game cartridge, “If you want your precious liquor, you must collect all six of the ancient rune stones! Signed, the Warlock. Who the fuck is the Warlock!?” She looked back at the six pack. It was gone, the only thing that remained was the game in her hands, “That FUCKING asshole!” She cried, ripping the sticky note off and shredding it angrily in her hands, “What is this shit?” She glanced at the cover, Warlock, it read. 
    “Beware the ultimate evil of...” She started to read the title on the cartridge, “LJN!?” She cried as she saw the name of the publisher, “Aw, fuck!” The grem hurried downstairs, back to her Super Nintendo, “Guess I gotta play this shit. Fucking warlocks and their shitty fucking magic,” She hissed as she tore Megaman X out. She glanced at the cover once more, “Beware the ultimate evil of Warlock,” She read, “A bit of a mouthful, but whatever, Laughin’, Jokin’, Numbnuts,” She put the game in and turned on the console.
    “Wait... Warlock?” She tilted her head at the TV as the word Warlock flashed on the screen with the sound of thunder, “So what the fuck is it called? Ultimate evil of bullshit or just fucking Warlock!? Leave it to LJN to get the fucking title wrong. Whatever, what's the story of this shitty game?”
    The Grem set the controller down and listened to the music, “Well, this title screen music is nice enough, I guess,” Eventually, the story cutscene started. Slowly-- Arduously, red and orange text was burned onto pages, “What the fuck is this!? Why’s the text gotta appear so SLOW!?” The grem shouted, “Alright, fuck, what is this shit? ‘Once every millenium,’” She started to read, pausing as the words slowly appeared on the screen, “‘When the sun aligns,’” She paused again, “‘With the moon, druid guardians summon-- DRUIDS!?” She cried in mock agony, “First fucking dick ass warlocks and now I gotta deal with druids? God I hate those tree humping furries.”
    She went for a bottle of beer, quickly remembering that she had to play the game to get any liquor, “Damn it all! Fuck, lets just see the rest of this stupid story. ‘Druid guardians summon the magic of their sacred runestones.’ Right, those things I’ve gotta get if I want my booze back. ‘To prevent the rebirth of the ancient Warlock...’” She sighed and paused as she waited for more text to appear, “Oh thank god,” She sighed as the text never came, “Okay... Oh there's the sun and the moon aligning, and a graveyard, and-- OH SHIT!” She screamed as the Warlock flew from the ground, “What the fuck!? Was that Doc Brown!? And he turned into a fucking raven or crow or perhaps some other kind of copro-corvidae!? Or in other words, a shitbird,” The Grem shook her head, “Anyways, can I play the game now-- Oh, fuck!” She groaned as more text began to slowly crawl across the screen.
    “You think I’m joking!” The Grem pointed an accusatory finger, “But I timed it, and this shit goes on for two minutes and twenty seconds. Anyways I better finish this shitty story so I can play this shitty fucking game and get my shitty fucking beer back,” She sighed, “‘The six sacred stones are scattered through time and across the continents. Using the powers inherited from your druid ancestors--’ Aw fuck, I’m a druid myself! Fuck druids! You know, a druid fucked my dog once. Okay, they didn’t, I’ve never had a dog. But a druid WOULD do that given the chance. Can’t trust those fuckers. Anyways let’s just finish this. ‘You must find all six before the Warlock...’” She sighed again, “HOLY FUCK ITS STILL GOING!” She shouted, “What's this shit!? A bridge? The woods? A tree and-- Oh god, there they are! The druids! I see they’re wearing their ceremonial brown bathrobes to their little get together. They’re brown so you know they roll around in animal feces, which is what I’d rather be doing than playing this shitty game. Okay, and they give this guy with the mullet, which I assume is me since I’m in blue bathrobes and not brown ones since I haven’t rolled in fecal matter yet, they give him an... Orange? A flying magic orange? Or maybe a giant flying ballsack. And he points and the ballsack leads me somewhere.”
    “So, can I play now?” The Grem just blinked, dead inside as more text appeared on the screen, “I guess I can’t yet. ‘This is the most desperate hour. Find the stones and kill the Warlock, or we shall forever live in darkness...” She hardly registered when the title screen came back rather than giving her more story, “Oh thank god. Finally something good from this game. Zelda fucking Two did an intro better than this load of donkey diarrhea. Wanna know what's just as long? ‘Warlock: The Armageddon’s’ intro! Yeah, this is a MOVIE GAME! Bet you weren’t expecting that, huh!? Well, maybe you were since pretty much all of LJN’s games are licensed games! And here the title is different AGAIN, so what the fuck, now we have three! Warlock, Beware the Warlock and Warlock: The Armageddon! How did they fuck that up so bad? And guess what? The movie’s just as bad, if not even WORSE than this game! Why does LJN keep making shitty games out of shitty movies, I’ll never know. I guess the map of the States written on skin was kinda cool, I guess, but does that ever happen in the game? No, of course not… This has next to nothing to do with the movie other than the villain’s face appearing on the game over screen. There's not much worth talking about, so let's get back to the game.”
“At least you can just skip the intro. Unlike the movie, so the game already beats it there. Alright fine, enough about that awful movie. Okay so I’m in the game. Here's my guy, mister mullet un-shitted bathrobes. I can jump, piss magic missles out of my fucking fingers and make the ballsack waggle around when I shake said pissfingers at it. At least I can make him hump the air when I mash Y,” The gremlin said, demonstrating by quickly tapping the Y button.
    “And it looks like... The dog isn’t an enemy for once. How kind of you game; to throw me a bone before you rail my ass like Fuckman! But you know, you can shoot the dog if you’re an asshole. And it keeps my druid from giving the dog his bone if you know what I mean,” The Grem continues playing. She jumped as she neared a bridge, still getting a feel for the controls, “There he is! Doc Brown-- I mean the Warlock! That fucker just blew up the bridge, right under me!” She shouted as her character plummeted into the water and died, “Great. Water kills you. And the Warlock-- I mean Doc Brown turned into a crow again! Okay so, dogs are friendly but Doc will kill you with a bridge. Good to know. At least in the game I’m not waiting an hour and twenty minutes to actually fight the fucking Warlock unlike that pussy in the movie! Alright, for real that's the last comment about the movie. Bats! Its always fucking bats! Ever since Castle-fucking-Vania One! Every side scroller HAS to have goddamn shitty fucking bats! Another bridge and-- Oh you cocksucking video game! Doc Warlock blasts another bridge out from under me and I’m dead. The same fucking trick! I won’t fall for that shit again you cum slurping alp.”
    “So I go back, dodge the bridge, the bats and the second fucking bridge. I’m not falling for that shit again you fuck stick fellatiator. Okay, what's next. A dog. Oh, and the fucking Warlock Brown turns him into a goddamn werewolf! And its fucking raping me, holy shit! It won’t stop railing my ass! GET OFFA ME! Cum at it with my magic spells! Well, it beat the shit outta me and my portrait at the top is turning into a spooky skeleton man, but I scared it off. Oh shit! Another one!” The Grem pushed down and right at the same time and watched in shock as her character tactical rolled right into the werewolf, “I just rolled into his cock! Why in the seven fuck hells can my fucking shitty mullet having, animal cum sucking, druid DODGE ROLL!?”
    With a sigh, the Grem accidentally pressed X, “Looks like my guy is summoning some lightning and doing the Y in YMCA. Oh, I consumed that second picture of my face I had and healed. Nice. And the werewolf was kind enough to drop me a magic potion. I continue, blast another werewolf and go inside. There's some text about the quest for the first Rolling Rock and now we’re inside. So there's a guy in here, so of course I shoot him to make sure he’s not evil and-- Jesus Christ I turned him into a zombie! Fucking kill that shit! At least he went down easy enough,” The Grem walked a single step forward and the zombie got back up, “Oh shit!” She exclaimed as she took a hit and finished off the zombie, “They get back up after I kill them once. Great. Imagine if you were playing Mario Three, and you jump on a goomba. As soon as you walk a few steps forwards, that fucker gets back up and knocks your dick off. Wouldn’t that be fun!?” She pauses as she settles back into the couch, “Fuck zombies. I hate ‘em. I keep going forward and see Cocksucker Brown floating and he shits out a zombie for me to fight.”
    “I’m gonna give the ballsack a try. To use the nutsack you gotta press the Y button, but not just PRESS it you gotta HOLD it. Once you do that, you wait two seconds for your druid to do some jazz hands, then the thing is ready to go. You press a direction on the d-pad and the ball flies that way, doing some damage or picking up items for you. The problem is, it takes forever to use and the ball is waving all over the place like one of those fucking Medusa heads! And you know how I feel about those fucking Medusa heads,” She scowled, “The worst part about the flying fucknugget, is that it takes forever to use and does just as much damage as my hand pissing! I’m better off hitting enemies with an actual ballsack than to use this piece of shit. Fucking druid magic objects. Okay so I keep going, taking hits and getting fucked by wolves-- Only figuratively of course, this is a kids’ game just about as much as this is a kids’ show,” She said, staring directly into the camera.
    “So I keep going. I’ve taken a bunch of hits so I use my blue magic druid potion. Turns out that heals me too. So what's the point of the OTHER item that heals me!? Fuck me. Speaking of fucking my ass, these stairs. Tap dancing Christ on Christmas, I can’t get up these stairs my first try! I’d rather slide my massive fucking gremlin ass up and down Fuckman’s massive fucking cock than keep trying to go up and down these stairs! Speaking of sliding my ass up and down, what the fuck is the point of crouching!? It’s not to shoot lower, because mullet fuckhead drops that low when he shoots normally! Let’s just get this first fucking level over with. This library fucking sucks. Oh fuck! There’s the Warcock! We start fighting see, and this fucker, get this, to dodge he just HOISTS himself up like a fucking marionette on strings and just goes right over my cum blasts! And he shoots even bigger ones that destroy mine! Whatever, I’ve got three health potions so I just tank it and shoot him when I can. I win, and this fucker just turns into a shitbird again and flies off!”
    “Hey! But I won!” The Grem put her fists in the air triumphantly, “There’s the first runestone! Blast open its dumb glass case and grab it! I do the Y again and pick up the purple Froot Loop. ‘This rune will allow your return... G R K K L.’ Oh thank fuck the password is only five characters. This game does SOMETHING right! Now I got another book telling me I’m goin’ to the past and to beware the Warlock. Whatever. Second quest for the runestone begins.” Suddenly a bottle of Rolling Rock appeared beside the gremlin in a puff of smoke. She eyes it longingly before shaking her head. “No… I’ll save it for when I really need it.”
    “Level starts, I’m in some grassy fucking area that looks like dog shit. There's some vines popping out of the ground so I avoid that and shoot some bugs. I keep going and some more vines shoot up and grab me! They pull me underground for a bit, presumably to fuck my ass before shitting me out. Before long, I get to a cliff. Where do I go? The camera can’t look down no matter what I press! Leap of fucking faith I guess!” She safely landed on the ground and groaned, “What the fuck were they fucking thinking with this? This is bullshit. I keep going right, shooting bugs and vines and making leaps of faith because this camera can lick my cunt. I get to a bug that I shoot, and this little fucker drops a gem. When I step on it, it makes me fly like I’m goddamn Mary Poppins! So I figure out I gotta make another leap of faith with it and keep going right. I kill a bug for another gem and get some pickups. Another picture of me and a skull. Okay. But where do I go? There's nowhere to go now! So I leap of faith again and-- I’m dead. Drown in the water. I go back to figure it out again, jumping down a different pit this time and I die again to the water! And I’m out of lives! I see a quick close up of the shitty fucking Warcock and then back to the title screen!”
    The Grem sighed and grabbed her first Rolling Rock that she recovered and twisted the top off, downing a big swig before letting out another sigh. “This is just gonna be one of those games, huh? I put the password in and go back to the second level,” She blinked as the inbetween level cutscenes played again, “God, fuck,” She groaned as she mashed every button on the SNES controller to skip it, “Oh thank fuck I can skip this stupid shit. So the level starts, I dodge all the bullshit, and instead of going right, get this, you drop off a cliff then go LEFT into a cave that you can’t even see! How the fuck was anyone supposed to figure this out!? The only way you’d know it was a cave is if you see the spider crawl out from behind the foreground! Anyways, I keep going though this stupid bat infested cave that looks like the inside of my asshole and I get to a part where rocks are hanging down and I can’t walk past them! It takes me a few minutes of blasting them with my cock hands, but I finally figure it out. You have to dodge roll under them!” She sighed, “What the fuck is the point? The dodge is just in this game for this shit? It certainly doesn't help you dodge jack or shit!”
    “Fuck it, lets get this shitty cave over with. I keep going and cum drips from the ceiling, damaging me. Great. Just great. Everything but the fucking dogs hurts you in this shitty game. I blast some cum monsters then I try to jump up to this ledge and another cum monster hits me making me fall all the way to the ground which fucking kills me. Fall damage kills you. Its like I’m playing fucking Bubsy here, only here you can take more hits, which you’re definitely going to need to get through this fucking cave. I keep going, getting hit by fucking everything, bats, spiders, cum monsters, big black uncut fuckin’ dick heads on the ceilings, oh and cumdrips, because this cum kills you. These spiders are way to fucking small to hit consistantly especially on slopes and the bats are always just a pain in my cunt. So of course, I die. Then I go back, and I die again, getting lost in these fucking caves.” She stopped to down the rest of her beer, happy to have drank it, but sad to see it go.
    “I gotta put that code in again, go back into the cave, trying not to get my ass molested by these vines. Then I get back in, get hit by some cum dripping from the ceiling and the cum men punching the shit out of me, I pretty much have to take hits with these assholes. Pretty much the entirety of my existence.” She said, once again staring directly into the camera. “Anyways. I use a potion in here after taking a bunch of hits, turns out that shit doesn’t heal you all the way, only the pictures of mullet man does. So the potions are trash, but you’re gonna need them just to get through this level. I also learned you can scroll through the items you have with L and R, which is nice at least. At this point, I’m so fucking fed up with these bats and spiders that I just start taking hits. I’ve got a billion health so I might as well and whenever it gets too busy I just kill everything with the skull item or use a face when I take too many hits. I find the magic stone, it looks like a gargoyle’s kidney stone. I take it and I run to the end. I get another password, S H P J L and I move onto level three,” The Grem put down her controller, a second fresh Rolling Rock appearing in her hand as she beat the second level, “Thank fuck there are only six levels.”
    “Level three. Looks like I’m running through a rainy garden towards a castle that holds two more of these dumb fucking stones. I go through, get a potion and Dicksucker Brown shows up and brings a gargoyle statue to life. As with everything in this game, there is no strategy, just shoot it until it dies. Sometimes it freezes but you just walk towards it then away to wake that fucker up,” The Grem grunted, “Y’know, I knew a gargoyle once and she was a nice person.” 
    “So I keep going and the fucker brings an archer to life now, and hes a good fucking shot! Same as before, no strategy here, just shoot him until he turns to dust like your grandmother’s dried up womb. I fight more gargoyles and archers while Dick Brown locks me in the area. Then, I fight the Red Devil from Ghost n’ Goblins and of course, he kicks my fucking ass, rails me with his demon cock. I make it through with one hit left, wheres this fucking castle? Oh, I get to fight another Red Devil! And he kills me! Out of lives! Go back to the beginning!” The Grem groaned loudly and opened the second bottle of Rolling Rock, “Fuck this piece of shit game.”
    “My second time through, I’ve got some strategies figured out. Blast the first one, duck at the archers sweet spot, all that shit. The worst part about the archers is that their arrow destroys our druidic cum spurts, but not their arrows, no, they go through and hit me! Anyways I beat all them and both Red Devils and I got to a bridge with a gap in it and thank fuck I made the jump. I don’t want to redo this shitty level. Now I’m in the castle. I fight some ghost assholes and some knights that fall apart when I shoot them. I go into the sewers, dodge some traps, then I get locked in a tiny room over water. So what do I do? I guess wrong and I jumped in the fucking water and died,” The Grem drank from her alcoholic beverage and sighed, “This game is an assload of fuck. I get back to that room and I just start blasting with everything to try and progress. Turns out all I had to do was knock a chunk of ceiling down to jump on. Of fucking course, I should have known.”
    “The platforms I make sink when I jump on them, so I gotta hurry my ass up and knock down more platforms, but I can't see the platforms since they’re in the shitty sewer water! Thank god I made it through on my first try. I go over more water then find another Mary Poppins gem and a lever which when I hit makes a little platform for me. I Mary Poopin’ my way up there and move onto the next level.”
    “Next level I see--” The Grem sighed, “Another dumb fucking Warlock. This one looks more like Billy Mays in a purple dress. What’s his story? Does he also come back every millenia to sell me oxyclean? Maybe he’s the wizard of Big City Sliders, more like big shitty ciders. He throws torches at me and flies away after making me pay his toll. What is his toll? Some of my fucking life, that’s what. This game isn’t hard! It just whittles you down constantly and pulls cheap traps that take lives making you replay it!” She half sobbed before taking another swig of her booze,“The worst part is, I’m not having fun! The attacks you get are slow and clunky, the movement is shitty and the levels are basic! All in all, a very subpar game, in my opinion at least.”
    “I keep going, taking hits as I hit a switch, fail to dodge a dumbass spinning blade trap and I go to another level. And I’m STILL looking for the third runestone! I’ve got no potions or lives left now! The thing is, those self portraits that you can use, the ones that fully heal you? Those are your LIVES too! So do you spend your lives to get full HP? Or do you save them in case you die to a bullshit trap!? Fuck me… This is harder than Fuckman’s cock when he plows my gremlin pussy. Of course, I fall down a pit and die because I misjudged a jump. Now its back to the fucking garden where I gotta kill all those fuckers again,” She downed the last of her second Rolling Rock, “Fuck this shitty fucking game.”
    “After I make it back and make those jumps, I’m in the castle doing stupid fucking lever puzzles and dodging the easiest traps in the world. This game is a whole lotta fucking nothing. And at the end, I run into Doc Cock and the fucker turns himself into a demon! I kick his ass, duck low when he shoots high and jump high when he shoots low. The game gives me another password now, C D J H L and I guess it's onto the next level. Ho-lee Fuck, I’m still in this castle. Billy Mays is back from the dead and he makes me pay his toll again, this time he’s selling me swords that he just fucking shoots right at me out of his cock. Every fucking thing in his Peewee’s playhouse looking castle is out to get me too, taking bits of my life as I struggle to dodge them. I make it to another demon, this one looks like a fucking horse, or maybe even an ass. Of course he fucking kills me, taking my last life. Thank god I had that new code.”
    “I make it back and fight the demon again. I beat him and--” She watched as the horse turned into a man, Billy Mays, “Why the fuck was Billy Mays wearing a blue fucking horse fursuit!? Fucking hell. I keep going and I hit a switch which makes a platform come down, I get on it and nothing happens and to hit the switch again I have to get off it, so I do and then the platform LEAVES without me! Thankfully it comes back to get me, now automated. But why did I have to hit that lever TWICE? Imagine if you had to do that in real life, like if you were in an elevator, but you have to get out and hit the switch across the hall, only for the door to close on you before you could get back in, so you gotta hit the button again and - fuck it, you get what I’m saying. I keep going and get my shit kicked in by a knight with a flail, everyone knows that if you have a flail instead of a sword you get five times the normal health points!” She complained, popping open her third Rolling Rock and downing half of it. “There, I beat him and... now I’m stuck. No way forward since the magic druid ballsack doesn't flip levers. I finally figure out you’ve gotta jump through a wall into a new area. I pick up a bubbling cauldron which makes my cum blasts bigger now! They explode too! Badass! Haha, actually no they still fucking suck. No extra damage. In this secret area, I hit another switch and that lowers the barrier that was blocking me earlier, now I can keep going. I go up a lift and to the next level. There's not a lot to say. I dodge traps, usually dying to them because this game is an ass load of fuck. Its just boring corridors, knights and these dumb lifts. I’m taking hit after hit because I just don’t care anymore. Why’s this game gotta be so fucking long!? And I go to ANOTHER level after the castle! I’m outside now! I’m fighting more four armed demons and horse fursuits now! Some of them are the Warfuck and others are just dudes!? What the fuck is going on!? And this first jackass I gotta stand on top of or he knocks me back into the pit! So I’m eating hits because I fucking HAVE to! I don’t have any time to dodge! Then, the second one is Billy Mays! And I’m BACK inside the castle! This fucking asshole!”
    “I’m in a lab now, fighting reskins of the cum monsters from earlier now they’re snot monsters. Or green shits. I dunno, I don’t even care anymore. You know what would be really nice? Being able to shoot while standing instead of going into that stupid crouching shot. Every other game I complain about not being able to shoot enemies on the ground but in this one I can’t even shoot enemies on a table right in front of my fucking face! The only other game that does something remotely like this is Terminator One on NES, and you all know how much ass that game sucks. But hey, I shoot an owl and he drops a potion, so that’s cool. Fuck owls. I keep going, ignoring items out of my reach and just taking hits constantly. I'm low on health, potions and lives but I’m making it somehow. I feel like there's secrets all over the damn place but I can’t find a single one! Now furnaces are trying to kill me. Impossible to dodge so I of course take more hits. So I just happen to walk into a secret and boom! There's a runestone! I take that shit,” The Grem nearly cries as she received a Rolling Rock, “Thank the heavens. Gotta keep going for the other three.”
    “I keep finding items and they all either do damage or make triangles fly around me. But why? Just give me more potions and lives! It’s not like these items do enough damage to actually help, and most of them don’t even damage the bosses! Well, I beat Billy again and moved on, B R S H T. Now let’s take a second to talk about the text in this game, specifically the T’s. These T’s look like fucking C’s. I get they were trying to go for an ancient text look but fuck it! How is it that no one has ever made a straightforward password system?!”
    “Quest four. First level is me fighting some fuck ass specter that takes my health and is annoying. Then it's just more castle! There’s more castle in this fucking game than in Castlevania! Now these booger assholes throw shit at me! And they take more hits to kill! They take a fuck ton of my life too! I hate these guys. THEY’RE FUCKING EVERYWHERE! You jump here and one snipes you with his shitballs, you jump there and one comes out of the ground and gets you. They even hid one right next to the fucking lever to go up this elevator! He doesn’t appear until you jump to the lever, so I’m forced to take a hit.”
    “And now I pick up a fucking sundial? What the shit does this do? I go a little ways and I use the sundial, thinking that it would time stop! NO! It Teleports me BACK to where I picked it up! It’s not like the other items are back so why the fuck would you do that!? I’ll tell you why, because you’re a sucker, a real shit sucker! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!?” She cried before drowning her sorrows with the rest of the third beer, “I would quit, but I have to keep playing, I HAVE to. I NEED more beer. I get to a part with a gem, and I’m like, alright, I get the fourth one. But get this, it ATTACKS me! Kicks my ass! Turns out it was just one of the warlock’s blue balls! Both of them are in the same room! Oh god, now his balls are touching MY ball! Thank god the next level comes soon. H B L S T.”
    “Oh my God damn holy mother of fucking shit fuck there are even more blue balls mixed in with white balls, and there’s a magic wall keeping me locked in here with them. That sums up this entire fucking game, it’s balls and I’m trapped here if I want to get my beer back. Then, after the first room, I get trapped in ANOTHER room with MORE of these balls! But the game has some mercy, once I beat these I get two extra lives!”
    “Guess what happens in the next level? Billy cocksucking Mays lights his asshole castle on fire! Now I gotta run up the stairs before I get fucking torched! They also put more of those cumslinging shitballs on the stairs just to stop me. Just gotta run past everything, if you touch that fire even once it fucking annihilates you. This is the first time the orb actually comes in handy, because the cumblasts are just not fast enough and the orb can actually hit these guys multiple times in a row. It takes me a million fucking tries but eventually I power through it, only to find Billy Mays and Doc Brown killing each other at the top of the castle in their fursuits. Billy gets killed and- wait, NOW I’M IN A FURSUIT?! SEE? SEE WHAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT DRUIDS?! I need a beer, except now I have to fight the Warlock for it!”
The gremlin mashed the buttons on her controller, her horse-headed character firing lightning blasts at the four armed warlock demon. “That’s all you do, you just mash buttons until one of you is dead. So I beat him, after he takes like nine-million fucking hits and get the big red anal bead.” She holds her hand out and a Rolling Rock covered in shit appears in her grasp. “OH GOD, YOU FUCKING NASTY ASS SHITLOCK!” She shrieked, getting up and taking the bottle to a sink to wash it off.
“What? I’m not wasting a perfectly good beer. Now where was I?” She plopped back down and opened the beer, taking an extra moment to pour it out into another non contaminated bottle while throwing the other one away, “I go through the portal and I get another code, T H K T H. Only two more to go. Go now into the realm of the damned? Oh fuck, I’m going to hell!” The level started and the Grem readied herself, “There's Doc Brown! Oh fuck! Skeletons! Good thing they fall apart just as easy as they do in Castlevania. Only these fuckers can block cum blasts and they’re too short to get hit by the orb! Anyways, I’m onto this games bullshit now and I dodge some bridge destruction caused by Doc Shit-Brown and keep going. I fight crows, rape vines, skeletons and vultures. All of them are easy, again, this is just tedious as all hell, really, which I guess is fitting since this IS the realm of the damned. So I get to the Warlock and I notice he doesn’t run right away if I don’t get too close. Like, what the hell is he doing, driving a car? Turns out he’s just summoning two skeletons. I make it underground, into the mausoleum. Its like I’m back in the fucking castle. The cum monsters are back too! And look, this fucker is invincible! How the fuck do I kill him? Get this, you knock down a chunk of the ceiling down on him and crush him to death. That’ll show ya, you fuckfaced cum sucker.”
    “Level ends after a fight with three skeletons in a dumb arena. Next level is outside and I’m fighting that toilet hand from Majora’s Mask. Zombies too but fuck those assholes, they die easy. I make it through that pretty easy. Whole level is just a boring graveyard. Man, if that Warlock asshole didn’t have my beer, I would have quit this game ages ago. I’d rather Fuckman break through my wall, tear off my clothes, and fuck me ass to mouth. I’d rather suck the dried semen out of a bogey’s cotton cooter than keep playing this fuckheap of a game! I’d rather tear my hymen on a manticore’s whole tail bulb while a bicorn shoves my head up her asshole!”
“Anyway, next level. Another underground mausoleum, god, this game just keeps fucking going man, it’s like that two and a half minute intro was just the icing on the shit cake. I get some staff, apparently I can get them infinitely, so that's fucking cool, I guess. I ride a stone raft on a tide of green goo and shoot an irradiated giant skeleton to death with my cum blasts. Another code, D C T F F, and I’m back outside. I’m honestly running out of things to say, I keep running around this graveyard, into mausoleums and back outside into the fucking graveyards. Can’t this level end? HOLY SHIT IS THAT A SKELETON HORSE?! Okay, that’s kind of cool, - OH SHIT! He came back with a skeleton horseman! The guy just keeps clobbering me but I just keep blasting him because neither one of us will fucking die. Finally kill his ass. Then I get to fight another! The lag after I shoot plus the general delay in attacking and ducking makes it impossible to NOT take hits!”
    “Time for another mausoleum level. This bitch is full of traps but nothing really to talk about, really. I make it to the end and get my fifth beer and a runestone,” The Grem got the aforementioned beer and set it down, “I haven’t even touched the fourth one… Should I really keep going? I’m already so numb. No… I have to. B S T J K! New code! Last stone, I’m gonna kill this fucking Warlock! I don’t give a shit about this story! To the mountains! Quest for the final fucking stone!”
    I’m on a bunch of cliffs surrounded by bandits and - IS THAT A FUCKING METROID?! What the shit - whatever I don’t give a fuck anymore, I’m just running through everyone, getting chased by a gargoyle and… I’m dead again. Fuck it, I’m gonna cheat, lemme just look up some codes here... “ The Gremlin says, going over to her Commodore 64 before typing loudly.
“I’m just gonna skip to the last level, which looks the same as the rest and there’s already shit flying at me from every direction. Metroids, cum monsters, gargoyles, bandits, UV rays from the fucking sun, everything is out to get me. All that’s missing is Fuckman and his fuckstick.” She sighed longingly before going back to her game.
“So there’s the warlock again, jumping around like an asshole and I kick his ass the same as before. Thank fuck, there’s the final stone. Now I’m… going down to hell? Oh there he is again - and he turns into the fucking yellow devil, not the yellow devil from Megaman but a devil who happens to be yellow. I finally fucking beat that fucker after he spits fire and jumps all around like an asshole. I get beamed up as I do the YMCA pose one last time. Lets see that ending! I get some text that says ‘you fulfilled your destiny and bested evil!’ And then my guy flies out of a well. And that’s it. Roll credits. What a shit load of fuck,” The grem said as she picked up all three remaining beers and dumped them all into her mouth at once. Beer flew everywhere as she lapped at the precious nectar. 
“You’ve done it!” She heard, as three druids appeared in front of her, their arms raised in the ‘M,’ ‘C,’ and ‘A’ poses. 
The gremlin wiped her mouth before eying her empty beer bottles, “So, you assholes put me on this quest?” 
“Yes, of course! You were the best suited to defeat that evil Warlock!” One answered.
“We had to do it to save the world!” Another added.
“But now that you’ve done it, the world is saved!”
    “You pieces of shit! Fuckin’ with my Rolling Rock!?” She screeched as she smashed a bottle over one’s head and stabbed the broken glass into his gut. The second and third hardly have time to react before the Angry Grem leapt at them, biting into the second one’s jugular and tearing his throat out. The last druid cowered from the gremlin, his hand cum blasts bouncing off her skin, “Go fuck a horse somewhere else, you shitsucking dendriphiles!” She growled as she pulled out an NES zapper, exploding him entirely with a single trigger pull, a diamond falling out of his ashes onto the floor. “Ya poopy heads,” She spat as she went to walk past the druid remains, looking to grab Megaman X, only for the diamond to shoot her up through the ceiling with a shriek.
She looked around the living room, her head comically sticking through the floor. One of the lenses on her glasses was cracked and there were bits of wood and drywall in her now messy hair. She looked the angriest she had been all day, turning to face the camera, “Wanna know something? The worst part of all of this? The fucking awful LJN game was better than the movie! Imagine that! LJN made a game better than their source material! What a shit load of fuck. Don’t play this shitty game and for fucks sake don’t watch the movie. I just wasted a total of five hours on this shit. LJN, more like L-A-N! Standing for Laughin’ Alpin’ Numbnuts, of course...”

Raffle reward for Robbob. Thanks again!

    The gremlin stood still as the machine stretched the black skintight suit over her small, lithe frame. Her decently sized-- for a gremlin, at least-- breasts were accentuated by the glistening outfit as were her thighs, hips and ass, “Damn, I look good,” She grinned to herself as she looked down. She shook herself as the anticipation made her shudder. She took a moment to do her messy hair up in a just as messy bun.
     Ashe, the gremlin, tested the connection between her and her gundam, one of the many gundams in the tournament from the various factions of mamano powers. It was a feat of gremlin engineering, a somewhat short and stocky green and blue-green colored machine covered with some of the best armor the Maou’s Legion of monsters can produce. It was equipped with a small shield and a sword as well as a few ranged weapons that didn’t see much use. The gremlin checked whatever incoming feeds she had on her screens as she started to strut across an abandoned town, “Looks like that dumb windmill is out,” Snickered the gremlin. She wished she could have done it herself, but was still glad that Neo Hollands prick got what was coming to him. Looks like whatever mamano knocked him out also took him as a husband, “Good for her,” The gremlin hissed, still searching for her own man. 
For most mamano, this whole tournament wasn’t about glory or winning, it was about finding a man. The gremlin didn’t care much about being the victor or ruling space. Her country didn’t care much either. The dragons would probably win again anyways but its not like the human factions ever really won. Most mamano governments would govern the exact same way anyways, they all listened to the Maou. The humans whined that it wasn’t really fair, but its not like they could win and change anything. 
    The gremlin blinked as the fighter from the powerful dragon nation contacted her, “Oh, Ashe darling, would you be a dear and throw a match between the two of us? My hubby is watching and I want to look good. I am sure we will make it VERY worth your while~”
    “Yeah, yeah...” She grunted, “I’m still looking for someone.”
    “Your special man?” She chuckled, “Well... I heard he’s... A few klicks north of where you are now,” She winked, “I mean. I definitely DIDN’T lure him there.”
    With a smirk the gremlin took off in that direction, “Thanks. I’ll contact you when I’m done.”
    “You wouldn’t consider this as your payment, would--”
    “Hell no! You might be in a massive gold plated gundam but I could still kick your ass if I cared to,” Ashe threatened, “I’m hanging up,” And she did, before the dragon could respond. The dragon’s gundam was in fact plated in shimmering gold. Creeping coin gold melted down probably. 
    Ashe’s gundam stomped through the town. Her superior sensors picked up the Homo-Sapien Gundam♂ before it could pick up her. He was already damaged, probably from his fight with Shimmering Dragon Gundam that led him here. Zero had caught her eye this year, a handsome man in a sleek giant fighting robot, everything that Ashe wanted. Zero’s gundam was a standard white body with red and blue details and was covered in the male symbol (♂). The usual human design. Zero fought for a new human only nation. It was made to prove humans could stack up to monsters, “Hey, hey, big guy!” Ashe called out to him, “Ya come here often?”
    “Stop cat-calling me, monster,” He growled back. Ashe swooned, he was absolutely adorable, “I already scared off Shimmering Dragon, I’ll fight you off too. I’ll defeat you, here and now. Even if I am damaged, my human spirit won’t be defeated!”
    “Whatever, Zero,” She stood a handful of klicks away from Zero and his Homo-Sapien Gundam♂, “Your Homo-Gundam♂ is no match for me and my Stout Gundam,” She knew this was being televised and she wanted to play it up.
    “Stout Gundam. I know your weapons and abilities, monster,” Zero hisses as he fires a missile at Ashe. She took the full brunt of it, her armor absorbing the blast. As the smoke cleared she saw Zero charging towards her, polearm drawn. 
    Ashe yawned as she dropped into a combative pose. Homo-Sapien Gundam’s♂ weapons were easy enough to block. Wide, powerful swings that any other gundam might have had trouble dealing with these attacks, but Stout Gundam was built for this. Ashe blocked a powerful over head strike that surprisingly shook her machine. She responded with a sword slash that Zero failed to dodge most of. She left a gash along the lower body of Homo-Sapien Gundam♂, “Come on, Zero,” Ashe chuckled as he fired mostly useless machine gun fire in Stout Gundam’s hull, “Is that all you got? Where’s that human spirit?” She fired a missile back at him that he narrowly avoided. He dodged away from the cluster explosives, “Guess you do know my moves!” Ashe laughed, “At least some of them!” She dashed forwards and delivered another slash. He attempted to block with his polearm only to have it sliced in two by the energy blade. Zero dropped the halves and prepared for hand to hand.
    “H-how? That shouldn’t be possible!” He gasped.
    Ashe grinned at him through the display, “Superior gremlin technology. Looks like your Homo-Gundam♂ can’t handle it.” 
    “I’ll show you! Human♂ Power!” He cried as portions of his gundam opened up to take in more air flow and move quicker. He dropped low and started to fly at Stout Gundam. Ashe was only a little surprised at this. She dropped her weapons and prepared to grapple with him. She swung, ready to bring him to the ground. He went under it, bowling Stout Gundam over. They fought on the ground, trading blows and knocking over a few buildings. Homo-Sapien Gundam♂ managed to get on top of Stout Gundam and land a few blows to its shoulders and head, “Give up! I’ve won!” He demanded.
    “You forget one thing,” Ashe grinned, still cocky. 
    “What? What are you talking about?” He got up, nervous and wary of what the gremlin would do.
    “This pussy of mine throbs with an awesome power. Its burning grip that tells me to defeat you! Take this! My love, my lust and all of my horny! Shining Vulva!” She cried as Stout Gundams loins flew open and a laser blasted out, shooting straight through Homo-Sapien Gundam’s♂ head, “Article one of the Gundam Fight International regulations, a unit whose head section has been destroyed is disqualified.”
    “No!” Zero screamed as his gundam started to fall over. It landed with a thud and small quake on the ground. Stout Gundam rolled Homo-Sapien Gundam onto its back and used a specialised tool that shot out of its finger to crack open its cockpit. Another tool from another finger delicately removed Zero. Ashe placed him within her own cockpit as she licked her lips with anticipation. She activated a device, standard in most mamano gundams that restrained Zero in an adjacent chamber. With a smirk on her face, Ashe powered down her gundam and hurried to the room Zero was restrained in. He was starting to wake up, “I-I won’t let you have me,” He growled and struggled against his binds. 
    “Can it. Or are you a homo-man? You know what the rules are, Zero,” Ashe grinned as she tore away the crotch of her skin tight outfit. 
    He swallowed nervously, “A-article eight. Any man defeated by a mamano may be subjected to a raping, if she pleases.”
    “Right!” She removed the netherregions of his outfit, “And, oh boy, do I please.”
    “N-no,” He pleaded as Ashe started to rub her wet pussy on his slowly hardening cock.
    “Oh, come on. You love it. Can’t beat the monster pussy, huh, babe?” He gasped and moaned as Ashe grinded against him. She was right, he couldn’t beat it. Ashe stroked her man’s shaft and kissed the tip sweetly. She got a little taste of his pre, furthering her excitement as she fondled his balls and teased the tip of his penis by rubbing his glands with two fingers. He moaned and writhed at her touch, completely defenseless and unable to fight back in this combat. Ashe climbed atop her man, “Lick until I say to stop,” She ordered as she climbed atop his face and placed the lips of her pussy against his face. He started to lick, her pussy quivering as his warm tongue slipped between the flaps and into her pussy. She moaned loudly, relishing in the feeling of the man she loved being completely at her mercy. She grabbed his hair with one hand, forcing his face deeper into her snatch. His cock throbbed and leaked with precum as he excitedly licked at the gremlin’s loins. The long nights laying awake, dreaming of being dominated by a monster after she overpowered him. The thought of it excited him, though the thoughts were nothing compared to the real thing. He greedily lapped at her, he wanted to taste more of her, he wanted to taste every bit of her now, “Stop,” She demanded, taking away the thing he desired most. He craved more of her delicious pussy, but could do nothing to get it now.
 Ashe, now somewhat satisfied, grabbed his shaft and held it straight up. She wanted the real thing. She slammed her hips down, piercing herself on the man she had fallen for’s manhood. Zero cried out in pleasure, the intense hot, wet and tight feeling of the gremlin’s pussy was too much for him. She groaned with a big smile on her face. She took a moment to adjust herself, shuddering and panting at every small movement and throb of his knob. She looked down at the man under her, moaning and gasping at the slightest touch and grinned again, “This is where the REAL fight starts,” She rose up on his member only to slam herself back down, her thigh fat slapping against his and echoing a lewd sound throughout the chamber. Both moaned and gasped as their loins rubbed against one another. Zero’s hips desperately tried to thrust into Ashe’s pussy, causing him to cry out and beg for more from her as she slowed down. With another grin, she sped up once more, slamming herself against him.
Zero could only lay still as the gremlin had her way with him. All the way up his shaft with her hot pussy and then sliding back down. The feeling was too much for him to bear, with another cry, the man signaled he would burst soon. Ashe, while a little disappointed he was so close so soon, relentlessly fucked him, her hips pounding against his as she tried to forcefully yank the orgasm from his loins, “I-I-I’m--”
“Shut it and cum,” Ashe growled as sweat poured down her brow from the exertion. Doing as he was commanded, the sperm spewed forth, filling the gremlin’s womb. She sighed loudly as the warm feeling reverberated within her. Zero panted and groaned beneath her, his member still firmly lodged in her. He went limp, his once pleading face now smiling softly at her, “You think we’re done? No, no. You don’t get off that easily after losing to me twice. You’re done when I say so,” Ashe grins at him. He whimpered in response as the gremlin started to fuck him viciously once more.

    Zero collapsed, completely spent as he came for the fourth time. Ashe’s pussy shuddered as she orgasmed once more. She sighed and pulled the man out of her. Her womb was completely filled, a bit of cum pouring out of her mixed with her natural pussy juice. She grinned and crawled up her new man, planting a firm, wet kiss on his cheek, “There ya go. Had fun, babe?” She asked as she got up and wiped herself off. 
    Awkwardly and sheepishly, he nodded, “Wh-where are you going?” He asked as the gremlin returned to the cockpit.
    “Gotta make some cash so we can live comfortably. I hate those damned dragons, but I gotta bring the bread home for my man,” She explained as she fixed up her clothes, “Just be a good boy and stay in there. I won’t be long,” She called. Zero nodded and let himself fall asleep, too exhausted to move much. Ashe glanced at him and smiled softly, happy with herself and very pleased with the man she had caught.