Everything I write about people’s waifus instantly becomes cannon. You cannot stop me.
A little something I wrote for IfTheArtistConsents for fun.
“You want me to be your plus one?” Gordon asked as he suppressed a groan into his phone. “Well yeah,” His friend Jack answered with a grunt, “Who else am I going to ask?” “Maybe your wife?” “She’s already going! Besides, you need to get out more.” Gordon’s face contorted into a grimace as he gripped his chubby stomach, “Yeah, I know.” “And you need to find a wife to get those lolibabas off your back!” Gordon would have grimaced more if he could, countless high pitched “ay papis”s ran through his head, “What makes you think I’m gonna find one at a barbeque?” “I dunno, but I’ve got a good feeling about this!” Jack assured him, “And some of these ladies can cook. The foods free, anyways so no harm in it, right?” “...Right. I’ll go.” “Great! I’ll pick you up at eleven.” “You want me to cook?” Kiara asked. Her older, taller sister nodded with a wagging tail and brightly burning eyes, “Yes! You’re the best cook I know! Please, little sis? Please!?” The younger hellhound stood up and adjusted her Argentina football (The European football, not handegg.) jersey. Her older sister was wearing the same, “You land a new job and all the sudden you have to bring food?” “Well I offered before thinking about it. Plus I can bring a plus one so I wanted to bring you anyways and I forgot I’m not a really good cook... Please, I’ll be in your debt! Those ribs you make are to die for!” Kiara sighed but nodded and relented. She was husbandless and any reason to leave the home was probably a good reason, “Fine. But you’re paying for everything!” Gordon idly tapped his fingers on the picnic table he sat at with six others. His friend Jack and his gremlin wife, a friend of Jack’s who had a yeti wife who looked much too hot, and a succubi with facial piercings who was smoking with her husband who she kept blowing smoke at. No one was sure if he was enjoying it or not but he said nothing. Most everyone at the little get together was from either Grem Tech or MonOptics. The former was the massive gremlin run tech conglomerate and the latter was the much smaller cyclops made precision weapon company. There had been an acquisition of MonOptics by Grem Tech and MonOptics had decided to throw this little lunch gathering with Grem Tech’s local branch which happened to be one of the biggest. Even the local owner, Jack’s wife, wasn’t really into it and had taken to tinkering with something rather than socializing. Off to the side, a handful of cooks were preparing food. A cyclops had a massive automated grill flipping burgers, a gremlin was making corn on the cob and salad, as well as a few other big machines to easily make massive quantities of food. A little closer to where Gordon and Jack were sitting was a group of three hellhounds with the shortest of the three grilling up some ribs. The two taller hounds wandered off leaving the shortest alone with the grill. Gordon stared at her, she was one of the thickest and shortest hellhounds he had ever seen. He couldn’t help it as he watched her idly attend to the meat she cooked. Gordon wasn’t sure if he wanted her or the meat more. “You gonna go talk to her?” The gremlin at the table teased. “She looks like she’s your type~” The yeti concurred. Gordon shifted uncomfortably, “Should I?” “Yeah, she’s right about that hound being your type. She’s got nothing on under those spats,” Jack smirked, “Just go talk to her. I know you want those ribs too.” Gordon swallowed nervously, feeling how dry his mouth was, “Fine,” The man stood and made his way to the lonely hellhound. Most other lunch goers were busy with the impressive machines that were automating food prep. As soon as Kiara noticed the man actually approaching her, her tail started to wag. That guy had been staring, not that she minded, she thought glasses were cute, “Hey there,” She gave a little wave with her furry hand. “H-hey,” The man gave a weak smile, “What’s uh, your name?” “Kiara. Yours?” “Gordon.” “I like your glasses,” Kiara smiled. Gordon started to sweat and desperately looked for something to comment on, “I like your, uh, bike shorts.” “Really? Aren’t they great? So breathable and skin tight! Super easy to wear!” She turned around, showing her plump rear to the man. Gordon began to sweat even more. His heart was pounding, knees weak, palms sweaty, ready to drop his pocket spaghetti,“So uh, I kinda expected a hellhound to bring fried chicken,” Gordon snickered at the hellhound as he glanced down hungrily at the ribs she was making. “Why’s that?” Kiara wondered. “Y’know, uh, fifteen but also half?” His little joke got nothing but a blank look, “I’m making a joke about you being black,” He weakly explained. “Black? Gordon,” She gestured to her shirt proudly. “What?” Now it was his turn to be confused. She smiled, “I’m Argentinian.” “What does that have to do with anything? How can you be Argentinian if the portal event was only three years ago?” Kiara scoffed, chuckled, shook her head, and gave Gordon an incredulous look, “First of all, Argentina is white. And for your second question, being from Argentina even if I’m from the Old World, well that’s not something a human would really get, I guess. Who knows, I might even be related to that Adolf guy that the cheshires keep telling me about!” “Uh. I guess it's possible,” Gordon looked back down at the meat, “Do you think it's almost done?” “Yeah, I think so. Do you want some?” Her tail wagged due to someone being so interested in her cooking, the first of the day! “Of course I do. I-I hope I didn’t offend you or anything,” He nervously chuckled at the short hellhound. “Of course not! Anyone who eats my cooking is a friend of mine. I just gotta leave some for my sisters,” She smiled at the man and winked. Soon Gordon was plated up with a massive stack of BBQ ribs. He was salivating as the proud chef– who was also salivating– watched eagerly for him to eat it. Slowly, Gordon tucked a napkin into the collar of his shirt before picking up a piece of the ribs in his bare hands. He licked his lips before digging into the masterfully cooked cut of meat. He took bite after bite of the BBQ sauce covered meat and chewed each one in total bliss. Kiara’s tail was wagging at mach speeds. She was hungry for meat of a different kind as Gordon chowed down, the most ravenously the hellhound had ever seen anyone eat her cooking. As the flames in her eyes turned the brightest they ever had, she turned to her two sisters, “I need that man,” Her voice was shuddering. Her two sisters held her back as the hellhound lurched forward, “No! Kiara! Not in front of my coworkers!” Kiara fought against her bigger sisters who struggled to hold her back due to her low center of mass, “LET ME GO!” She screamed, her flaming eyes fixed on Gordon. Jack looked at her as the rest of the table glanced and went back to her food. His gaze slid over to Gordon, “I think she likes you!” Gordon looked at her, his mouth covered in delicious BBQ sauce and mouth full of wonderful meat, “If she’s gonna cook like that for me, she can do whatever she wants to me,” He decided as he stood up, arms out for the hellhound who wrenched her arms from her sisters and ran, diving over the table and tackling the man, licking the sauce off his face and passionately kissing him as he ruffled her hair, in total bliss. No one at the event bat an eye at this as at least six other forever marriages were created in just a few hours. . . . “Honey! It's 3 PM, time for your spats session!” Kiara called as she lay out on the office floor, rear proudly in the air, and her tail wagging violently. “Yes, dear,” Gordon replied diligently as he stood from his latest drawing where he made a race mixing joke and called a hellhound black just to upset people. Cheshires seethed and anons divorced their wives at the mere sight of his shit posting prowess. This is what gave him that power. His hands were laid upon the smug hellhound’s rear, feeling the smooth, slick spats and plump buns. It was heavenly. He would have nodded, but his neck was in a brace due to Kiara using his neck as a stripper pole the other night after Argentina won the big game. Years ago he thought how strange it was just how many hellhounds played on that team. Nowadays it was more entertaining to see the feud between the Argentinian hellhounds and the Egyptian ones. “How is it? I’ve been doing squats!” Kiara boasted as the man pulled away, she stood to her feet and hugged him, “I’m loving this new house, Gordon.” “I’m glad to hear that,” He felt a bit of relief, “Especially since you blew the back wall off the last one with that level three super.” Kiara swooned as her flames burned bright, “Oh, and the mailman roleplay that burned down the one before last? I could do that again.” “Come on, give me a little break,” Gordon groaned, his entire body felt sore just thinking about a rough night with his wife. Kiara grinned, “Doesn’t your cast come off soon? I’ve been practicing my secret technique!” She climbed up on a sturdy desk, “Surra de Hounda!” She cried, throwing her ass out, “Guaranteed to blow your mind!” “And break my bones, huh?” He held out his arms, letting the hellhound jump into them. She was a little hefty due to her fat tits and big ass, but Gordon had been training for this, “I can’t wait to see it.” “Good. How about some ribs?” “Only if you’ll kiss me to clean up my face,” He chuckled as he sat back in his chair with Kiara curled up on his lap, facing him and hugging. The two gently kissed one another, their minds running wild as they imagined what they’d do to one another after dinner. “Love ya, champ,” She yawned. “Love you too.”